Defence of the Heart

The Mountain Man has been watching Dr. Phil again.  I wish I could parent block that stupid show.  It gives him ideas. 

You see the problem with shows like Dr. Phil and Oprah is it feminizes men.  I'm serious!  Everytime he watches those shows I'm in for a grilling.

Have you ever had a guy friend who complained that his girlfriend wouldn't let something in his past go?  You know, she's wants to know if his ex was prettier than her, cooked better, better in bed.......she's got to know every detail?  They think their wives or girlfriends are just being insecure or fishing for compliments but there is a much more fundemental reason and it's very valid.

Men just don't get it.  There is a reason women need to know about every past relationship their man has ever had.  It's really very simple.  How are boys in our society taught to defend themselves from danger?  They muscle up, get a baseball bat or raise their fists.
How are women taught to defend ourselves?  Know your environment. 

Yes I know this sounds chauvanistic and well yes, I am a chauvanist.  Not all men raise fists or hit someone but 90% of the men I know, if some guy comes charging at them will stand their ground and kick some ass.

Women, though most of the women I know can kick ass, will only do it if they are cornered.  Women are still taught by today's society to avoid danger.  Even my Catie who makes me pity anyone physically threatening her--she's a scrapper-- will avoid trouble rather than go in head on.  And this is the smart thing to do.  It's just that if a woman does it, she's smart and if men do it, they are labelled cowards or sissies.

Sorry but that's our society.  So here are these guys complaining their current girlfriend wants every detail about their ex's and it's driving them nuts.  There is a reason she's doing it buddy.  It's not just insecurity fella's.  She's defending her heart. 

She feels that if she knows why your previous relationship fails, then she can avoid that pitfall.  If she knows where your limit is on patience, what you like, don't like, she can avoid hurting and upsetting you.  Think of it like this. When a man and a women go to the jungle, the guy will weapon up and find out about any lions, tiger or bears that are going to get them.  Women will find the place the lion, tigers and bears live and not go there.

So we defend ourselves physically by analyzing, asking questions, getting to know where the danger is.  We have to know where the danger is beforehand.  It's our survival strategy.

It's written into our society's code as well as our genetic one.  Of course there are exceptions because society is equalizing out but sorry, we still warn the women and children when a predator is around.  Look at our news?  We rarely see the headline, "men should be wary of walking alone on the streets after dark." 

This tends to make women think more, ask more questions and be more analytical.  I've always thought it hilarious that the "other" woman convinces herself that the married man she is seeing is going to leave his wife and marry her.  If he's had an affair with you, why on earth would you think he wouldn't have one on you?

The most common complaint I've heard women make about men is, "When I ask him what he's thinking...he says 'Nothing."  How the hell do you think about nothing?"

This is where men don't get it either.  Very few women, short of zen artists, CAN think about nothing.  We make lists in our head, we relive a happy memory, we schedule our week, it's just female natural defence strategy.

So why does Dr. Phil and Oprah tick me off when Doug watches them?  Because there is only one time in a relationship most men will grill their wives and girlfriends about previous relationships...Was he better in bed than me?  Is he better equipped to the job?

When was the last time your partner asked you, "So did he make you laugh more than me?  Did he make you feel more loved?"

This is what Dr. Phil does to Doug.  After 23 years of marriage I can handle the usual questions about the ex's with every woman's stock answer, "you are the best lover I ever had and I've never had a better sex life, oh baby you rock my world." 

It's the questions Hubby gets into his head when he watches those shows that makes me want to cancel the cable.

"Why did you chose me?  What is it that you feel could take our relationship to a higher level?" 

It's annoying.  It really makes me realize how much easier men have it. 

If I was a guy I could get away with answering, "alcohol and a feather."