The Mountain Man has been watching Dr. Phil again. I wish I could parent block that stupid show. It gives him ideas.
You see the problem with shows like Dr. Phil and Oprah is it feminizes men. I'm serious! Everytime he watches those shows I'm in for a grilling.
Have you ever had a guy friend who complained that his girlfriend wouldn't let something in his past go? You know, she's wants to know if his ex was prettier than her, cooked better, better in bed.......she's got to know every detail? They think their wives or girlfriends are just being insecure or fishing for compliments but there is a much more fundemental reason and it's very valid.
Men just don't get it. There is a reason women need to know about every past relationship their man has ever had. It's really very simple. How are boys in our society taught to defend themselves from danger? They muscle up, get a baseball bat or raise their fists.
How are women taught to defend ourselves? Know your environment.
Yes I know this sounds chauvanistic and well yes, I am a chauvanist. Not all men raise fists or hit someone but 90% of the men I know, if some guy comes charging at them will stand their ground and kick some ass.
Women, though most of the women I know can kick ass, will only do it if they are cornered. Women are still taught by today's society to avoid danger. Even my Catie who makes me pity anyone physically threatening her--she's a scrapper-- will avoid trouble rather than go in head on. And this is the smart thing to do. It's just that if a woman does it, she's smart and if men do it, they are labelled cowards or sissies.
Sorry but that's our society. So here are these guys complaining their current girlfriend wants every detail about their ex's and it's driving them nuts. There is a reason she's doing it buddy. It's not just insecurity fella's. She's defending her heart.
She feels that if she knows why your previous relationship fails, then she can avoid that pitfall. If she knows where your limit is on patience, what you like, don't like, she can avoid hurting and upsetting you. Think of it like this. When a man and a women go to the jungle, the guy will weapon up and find out about any lions, tiger or bears that are going to get them. Women will find the place the lion, tigers and bears live and not go there.
So we defend ourselves physically by analyzing, asking questions, getting to know where the danger is. We have to know where the danger is beforehand. It's our survival strategy.
It's written into our society's code as well as our genetic one. Of course there are exceptions because society is equalizing out but sorry, we still warn the women and children when a predator is around. Look at our news? We rarely see the headline, "men should be wary of walking alone on the streets after dark."
This tends to make women think more, ask more questions and be more analytical. I've always thought it hilarious that the "other" woman convinces herself that the married man she is seeing is going to leave his wife and marry her. If he's had an affair with you, why on earth would you think he wouldn't have one on you?
The most common complaint I've heard women make about men is, "When I ask him what he's thinking...he says 'Nothing." How the hell do you think about nothing?"
This is where men don't get it either. Very few women, short of zen artists, CAN think about nothing. We make lists in our head, we relive a happy memory, we schedule our week, it's just female natural defence strategy.
So why does Dr. Phil and Oprah tick me off when Doug watches them? Because there is only one time in a relationship most men will grill their wives and girlfriends about previous relationships...Was he better in bed than me? Is he better equipped to the job?
When was the last time your partner asked you, "So did he make you laugh more than me? Did he make you feel more loved?"
This is what Dr. Phil does to Doug. After 23 years of marriage I can handle the usual questions about the ex's with every woman's stock answer, "you are the best lover I ever had and I've never had a better sex life, oh baby you rock my world."
It's the questions Hubby gets into his head when he watches those shows that makes me want to cancel the cable.
"Why did you chose me? What is it that you feel could take our relationship to a higher level?"
It's annoying. It really makes me realize how much easier men have it.
If I was a guy I could get away with answering, "alcohol and a feather."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 07, 2011
So you are not allowed to wear make-up
*letter from 2004 to a friends daughter
Recently I was doing costuming for a group that included young teens. As I was doing make up I was surprised at the times I was asked by young girls to teach them how to do make up so natural their parents couldn’t tell they had it on.
While I am most sympathetic to those young girls dying to join the adult conspiracy of face painters. I also remember my father ordering me "Back up those stairs and scrub that muck off your face young lady."
Of course it was not long before I was able to wear make up and now as an adult I spend thousands of dollars trying to look like I don’t.
There is help if your parents have laid down the make-up law. There is a way you can be happier with the face that you find in the mirror.
1.
Study after study has shown that people react more positively to a clean and even smile. I still remember a guy from my favourite football team coming across the cafeteria to ask me who my dentist was because he thought I had an amazing smile. Funny thing. My teeth are crooked. It was a bluing tooth powder I had been using. It had bleached my teeth. It also removed the top layer of enamel.
My dentist tells me that there are myriads of safe cleaning and bleaching alternatives today. Check with yours before buying any product off the shelf.
A healthy smile is still one of the main attractions to boys. Ever see a toothless super model?
2. Make a hair appointment.Nothing takes the place of a good cut. Your hair is the one accessory you wear with everything! It frames the face and can even lead the eye to your best features.
Not all hair salons are created equal. Discount places often have apprentices or have quotas on their chairs. Hair stylists have to do a certain amount of cuts a day to keep their chair. These people are too hurried to listen to what you have to say.
Go to an established hair salon. Watch the styles coming out. If you hate what the people look like coming out then that is not the place for you. Don’t be afraid to ask people who exactly cut their hair.
I once spent thirty minutes in front of a salon because I was really impressed with the fact that the men were all coming out with hair perfectly suited to their faces. I brought my son there and the next day people at school were stopping him in the hall to compliment and talk about his hair. A good stylist is one who doesn’t tell you what you want but helps you decide what you want is what you are looking for. Don’t be intimidated either. Ask questions. Listen to what the hair stylist is saying and always remember that the model in the book is not you. Every cut and length look different on different people.
Ask your stylist how to take care of it and spend a little extra money on the styling products. They don’t have to be top of the line but most times you really do get what you pay for.
3. Moisturize, Moisturize and ProtectJust because you are young does not mean you shouldn’t protect your skin. I still think Petroleum Jelly is the product of the millennium. Carry a little around with you. They even make roller tubes. Apply it or lip balm to your lips every chance you get. It will protect your lips from chapping and help moisturize them as well as giving you the same shine you find in leading lip glosses. Make sure you have sun screen on first though. Your lips are one of the most delicate places on your body and need to be protected from harmful rays and potential skin diseases.
Sun screen every day and make sure you reapply. There are a lot of moisturizing sun screens on the market now. They not only protect you now from the sun but give your skin a touchable softness. Don’t use harsh cleansers that can leave your skin dry and red. You can’t scrub out dirt. You can wipe it away. Skin regimes can be as simple as soap and water with a little sun screen and moisturizer to follow. Some harsh cleansers can actually increase break outs.
For extreme acne you can talk to your family doctor. A lot of people think they have acne and find that their break outs are sensitive skin reactions to the perfume and dyes in products.
4. Get an eyelash curler.Though it looks like a torture device it really is the best tool you can have. It crimps the eyelashes and makes them stand up. It takes getting used to but once you learn how to use it you will never want to be without one. Male actors have asked me to teach them how to use it after I’ve shown them how it increased the look of their lashes. Imagine what it can do for yours.
I like to warm the metal ones in a glass of lukewarm water. Make sure the sponge in it is clean, soft and in place. Place eyelashes in it, about one or two millimetres away from the lid. I find it is easier to keep my eyes partially open and focus on the mirror with the uncovered eye. Squeeze the clamp shut and hold it for a slow count to ten. Let go. It makes your lashes easier to be noticed. That’s why they are always advertising eye mascara that curls the lashes.
5. Get some tweezers
the best you can do is just clean up your natural lines.
To find your natural line, take a pencil and place it straight up from the side of your nose. This is where your eyebrow should start between the brows. Then place it diagonally from the side of your nose to the corner of your eye. Follow the line up to your brow and this is where your brow should end.
Never pluck above your brows, but do clean up the dark hairs between and underneath them. Never, ever get impatient and shave between your brows. It will look awful when stubble begins to grow back in.
Never pull chin or lip hair. It will grow back and it will be a full time job trying to keep up with it. If you have a thick moustache, talk to your parents about professional bleaching or even electrolysis.
Most of these tips will require you to talk to your parents about how you feel and what you would like to do. You might be surprised to find they are not against make up but just the overuse of it. Ask if they will let you try these simple solutions. They just might not want you rushing into adulthood full force. They also just might think you are absolutely perfectly beautiful just the way you are! After trying these things you just might feel the same way!Until you are old enough to get your parents permission to have your eyebrows waxed Make yourself a dentist appointment.
Recently I was doing costuming for a group that included young teens. As I was doing make up I was surprised at the times I was asked by young girls to teach them how to do make up so natural their parents couldn’t tell they had it on.
While I am most sympathetic to those young girls dying to join the adult conspiracy of face painters. I also remember my father ordering me "Back up those stairs and scrub that muck off your face young lady."
Of course it was not long before I was able to wear make up and now as an adult I spend thousands of dollars trying to look like I don’t.
There is help if your parents have laid down the make-up law. There is a way you can be happier with the face that you find in the mirror.
1.
Study after study has shown that people react more positively to a clean and even smile. I still remember a guy from my favourite football team coming across the cafeteria to ask me who my dentist was because he thought I had an amazing smile. Funny thing. My teeth are crooked. It was a bluing tooth powder I had been using. It had bleached my teeth. It also removed the top layer of enamel.
My dentist tells me that there are myriads of safe cleaning and bleaching alternatives today. Check with yours before buying any product off the shelf.
A healthy smile is still one of the main attractions to boys. Ever see a toothless super model?
2. Make a hair appointment.Nothing takes the place of a good cut. Your hair is the one accessory you wear with everything! It frames the face and can even lead the eye to your best features.
Not all hair salons are created equal. Discount places often have apprentices or have quotas on their chairs. Hair stylists have to do a certain amount of cuts a day to keep their chair. These people are too hurried to listen to what you have to say.
Go to an established hair salon. Watch the styles coming out. If you hate what the people look like coming out then that is not the place for you. Don’t be afraid to ask people who exactly cut their hair.
I once spent thirty minutes in front of a salon because I was really impressed with the fact that the men were all coming out with hair perfectly suited to their faces. I brought my son there and the next day people at school were stopping him in the hall to compliment and talk about his hair. A good stylist is one who doesn’t tell you what you want but helps you decide what you want is what you are looking for. Don’t be intimidated either. Ask questions. Listen to what the hair stylist is saying and always remember that the model in the book is not you. Every cut and length look different on different people.
Ask your stylist how to take care of it and spend a little extra money on the styling products. They don’t have to be top of the line but most times you really do get what you pay for.
3. Moisturize, Moisturize and ProtectJust because you are young does not mean you shouldn’t protect your skin. I still think Petroleum Jelly is the product of the millennium. Carry a little around with you. They even make roller tubes. Apply it or lip balm to your lips every chance you get. It will protect your lips from chapping and help moisturize them as well as giving you the same shine you find in leading lip glosses. Make sure you have sun screen on first though. Your lips are one of the most delicate places on your body and need to be protected from harmful rays and potential skin diseases.
Sun screen every day and make sure you reapply. There are a lot of moisturizing sun screens on the market now. They not only protect you now from the sun but give your skin a touchable softness. Don’t use harsh cleansers that can leave your skin dry and red. You can’t scrub out dirt. You can wipe it away. Skin regimes can be as simple as soap and water with a little sun screen and moisturizer to follow. Some harsh cleansers can actually increase break outs.
For extreme acne you can talk to your family doctor. A lot of people think they have acne and find that their break outs are sensitive skin reactions to the perfume and dyes in products.
4. Get an eyelash curler.Though it looks like a torture device it really is the best tool you can have. It crimps the eyelashes and makes them stand up. It takes getting used to but once you learn how to use it you will never want to be without one. Male actors have asked me to teach them how to use it after I’ve shown them how it increased the look of their lashes. Imagine what it can do for yours.
I like to warm the metal ones in a glass of lukewarm water. Make sure the sponge in it is clean, soft and in place. Place eyelashes in it, about one or two millimetres away from the lid. I find it is easier to keep my eyes partially open and focus on the mirror with the uncovered eye. Squeeze the clamp shut and hold it for a slow count to ten. Let go. It makes your lashes easier to be noticed. That’s why they are always advertising eye mascara that curls the lashes.
5. Get some tweezers
the best you can do is just clean up your natural lines.
To find your natural line, take a pencil and place it straight up from the side of your nose. This is where your eyebrow should start between the brows. Then place it diagonally from the side of your nose to the corner of your eye. Follow the line up to your brow and this is where your brow should end.
Never pluck above your brows, but do clean up the dark hairs between and underneath them. Never, ever get impatient and shave between your brows. It will look awful when stubble begins to grow back in.
Never pull chin or lip hair. It will grow back and it will be a full time job trying to keep up with it. If you have a thick moustache, talk to your parents about professional bleaching or even electrolysis.
Most of these tips will require you to talk to your parents about how you feel and what you would like to do. You might be surprised to find they are not against make up but just the overuse of it. Ask if they will let you try these simple solutions. They just might not want you rushing into adulthood full force. They also just might think you are absolutely perfectly beautiful just the way you are! After trying these things you just might feel the same way!Until you are old enough to get your parents permission to have your eyebrows waxed Make yourself a dentist appointment.
Adult High School
During my last bout of cancer I decided to go back to high school to get some grammar training. (Didn't work) This is part of a letter to Gramma about that experience.
Making the decision to go back to high school was pretty easy. I have the time, the incentive and the support to do so. The hard part was implementing it. The choices out there are varied and comprehensive but they each holds it's pro's and pitfalls.
I first looked at attending Algonquin College as a mature student. I could write my general equivalency and take a diploma course. Sounds simple until you realise that the cost is equal to your twelve year olds daughters braces, and the orthodontist has a better payment plan. For just writing the general equivalency exam, you are looking above a $300 fee. Once you write it, you discover that the amount budgeted according to the course magazine must be doubled to include course costs. These costs cover the $250/mnth parking fee to the 35 dollar student ID and the books! I swear, when administration at a college sits down to decide the fee for a course, they just total the cost of buying the books and half it.
Now my husband makes a decent living for todays economy but you are still talking about a family that gathers it's change the day before payday for milk. This is my motivation for going back to school, money. I need more for the lifestyle I want my family to have.
If the cost isn't prohibitive then the process will be to anyone over the age of 25.
Once you've taken your Prozac, you are now ready to try to find out more information and register for your course. You are required by college law to stand in a line for three hours to find out you are in the wrong line or you have forgotten one of the documents you have to hand in. In my case, my health card. Why do they need to know that this minute? Other than the chance that I need stitches from butting my head against the hallowed halls proverbial stone wall, there is no reason that you cannot process my college application without my health card. But it seems that no health card means the computer will blow up and detonate without this one miniscule piece of data. Yet in my optimistic way I persevere.
My family's financial health is on the line.
So after two days of standing in lines I have come to the conclusion that kids do this in groups for a very good reason. Going to the bathroom. Having someone who can hold your place in line while you pee as fast as you can is priceless. Mastercard should make a commercial for this. Finally I have reached the brass ring. I am at the window for registration. I have all the necessary documentation. I have done it.
Only to be told that the course I want has been canceled due to lack of interest. Let's get this straight right now. It's not due to lack of interest---it's the fact that all the prospective students have just lost their patience and went home. Probably figured that they could go to the adult high school and do their year faster. Considering I have more time than money, this was my decision.
One of the first things you do when hoping to attend an adult high school is call for an appointment. Make sure you call Friday morning as that is when they make appointments for the next week. Now after my college experience I have to give them bonus points for this. I can play solitaire while I'm on the phone! Eighteen games of solitaire in and you will have reached someone who will make your appointment for you. She tells you that you need the following; your acedemic record, your health card (as if I haven't stapled it to the inside of my pocket), a piece of picture ID and $5 student fee. I could have kissed her over the phone. How simple this list is. Four documents, a piece of cake! Now for the reality.
Try getting your high school acedemic record in a week. Especially if any of the following apply; A) They closed down your high school and B) You now live 800 kilometers away from there or C) High school was apx. twenty years ago.
After crawling into my spider and dust filled crawlspace looking for a piece of paper in a box I had last seen when hanky headbands were fashionable, I find that the cat has made a lovely litter box for her kittens in it. So I think, "Oh well I will just call and they can fax me a new one."
Oh poor naive me. The person who answers the phone will very likely be the daughter of someone you went to high school with. Your conversation will run accordingly. "Lakeway?, I'm sorry ma'am but we don't have a Lakeway School in Sault Ste Marie. No ma'am I've been working here for two years and I swear that school does not exist. Ma'am are you sure you have the right Sault Ste Marie? What? They closed it down. Ooohhh." (Please note: This same child will persist in calling you ma'am. Making you feel like you not only learned Canada's Constitution but were there when they wrote the damned thing) She will then give you a list of 26 phone numbers, all long-distance, of places you might get a lead to this elusive document. No one knows where the records of Lakeway High School are being stored. When you finally find someone who might have an idea of where this document lies, you must submit a letter in writing of your request, along with a fee and detailed information such as your mothers maiden name. These are for security measures. Really? Who would want to steal my high school transcript? What burning issues will they have to know that I received an 80% in English but failed art?
In desperation I call almost every Greco in the Sault Ste Marie phone book looking for the only guidance counsellor who's name I remember. Within three minutes she gives me the location and description, down to the colour of the
box, where I would find it. So I have now located the document. It is now two days before my interview. Thank goodness for modern technology and Mastercard. I charge the fee and have them fax it right to the school I am applying at. Touchdown!!!! (Note: I really should list this in my job skills on my resume.)
Just the experience of walking into an adult high school will be the most culture shock I can handle. I was prepared for the fact that times have changed. I even gave myself a lecture on the way there. I think I'm a pretty up-to-date mom. I have a fifteen year old, so the fashions and the language weren't going to be that much of a shock, right? I have been living in Suburbia -w-a-y- too long.
I made it into the parking lot after threatening to run down two boys who are wearing hanky headbands. Apparently they somehow diminish sight and sound because I had to come within inches of them before they would move.
I get out of my car and a fifteen year old tells me to make sure I lock it and put my antenna down in case someone steals them. "Yeah" mutters a man as he walks by "they stole my Dodge insignia the other day." They stole his Dodge insignia? Dodge? Not his Harley Davidson, not his Rolls Royce but his Dodge insignia? How lame is that?
I then realize that there is a crowd of children outside the doors. They must be waiting for parents I thought. No, the term "adult" applies to these children. I could believe the boys were children but the girls? They all look like they just stepped out of a job interview for "Exotic Dancer." I have to fight down the urge to tell one young girl to put a sweater on for goodness sake. Man I'm old.
Next I literally, push, my way through the crowd of smokers to gain the door. Realizing of course that at least two of these children are not smoking cigarettes and I haven't actually smelled that smell in at least ten years. I'm not worried about violence though, there is a police officer parked outside the fence. They probably have increased police visibility in this area, as we are very close to downtown. Though even at it's rowdiest Ottawa has nothing on Toronto. I lived in Kensington Market in my youth, which has now pointedly been put in perspective for me. I am no longer even remotely allowed to call myself young. I was never as young as the children I see here even when I was a child.
I finally get to the registration office. Only to discover that the fifteen year old who told me to lock the car is the secretary. She has me fill out a few forms ("if you please ma'am".) You have to wonder what you're getting into when the form asks the following questions;
a) Are you now or have you any unresolved criminal charges pending from your previous school?
b) How will you support yourself while attending school (please check one)
__Family Benifets __Job __Employment Canada __Social Services __Parole __Parents
(Note there is not one place here for "living off my husband like a pre-feminist leech." There is not even an "other". )
c) Is a daily report for your substance abuse counselor required?
I notice alot of things in the couple of hours wait for my appointment
i) the fashions haven't changed since I went to school. Bell-bottoms, little shirts, patches and all.
ii) there is a boy next to me that a steel bracelet around his ankle. They still have those things for when you
ride your bike. You know, the one that stops your pantleg from catching in the chain.
I turn to talk to another woman my age. "This is the adult high school? They are taking the same classes we are?" I quiz her, hoping for a sense of comradeship or at least a sense that I'm not the only adult that has suddenly discovered her real age in this sea of Calvin Klein cologne and hormones. "Sure" she answers "but I'm the custodian, I only see them when I work overtime."
Much later, I learn from my fifteen year old, that the bracelet around the boy's ankle is a homing device. Breezily my son informs me the guy was probably under house arrest and he has to wear this thing that lets the police track him in case he runs. Much like the beeper the vet puts in your poodle so he doesn't get lost.
And the officer outside the school? Well she's on guard for the offenders that are being held in the local jail. Can't deprive them of an education! So a full time police officer is paid her daily wage to escort to and from school these proven criminals and she sits and drinks coffee all day waiting for one of them to break the law again!? Wonderful what our tax dollars are supporting.
(Forgive me for sounding so right wing but even I cannot see the sense in educating someone the justice system tags like a deer in a public school).
Finally I see the counsellor. Only to discover that they don't have a fax machine at this location, therefore they don't have my transcript. "Don't worry" she reassures me. "We don't really need it. If you've been out of school for more than for years, we do a general equivilency test."
Making the decision to go back to high school was pretty easy. I have the time, the incentive and the support to do so. The hard part was implementing it. The choices out there are varied and comprehensive but they each holds it's pro's and pitfalls.
I first looked at attending Algonquin College as a mature student. I could write my general equivalency and take a diploma course. Sounds simple until you realise that the cost is equal to your twelve year olds daughters braces, and the orthodontist has a better payment plan. For just writing the general equivalency exam, you are looking above a $300 fee. Once you write it, you discover that the amount budgeted according to the course magazine must be doubled to include course costs. These costs cover the $250/mnth parking fee to the 35 dollar student ID and the books! I swear, when administration at a college sits down to decide the fee for a course, they just total the cost of buying the books and half it.
Now my husband makes a decent living for todays economy but you are still talking about a family that gathers it's change the day before payday for milk. This is my motivation for going back to school, money. I need more for the lifestyle I want my family to have.
If the cost isn't prohibitive then the process will be to anyone over the age of 25.
Once you've taken your Prozac, you are now ready to try to find out more information and register for your course. You are required by college law to stand in a line for three hours to find out you are in the wrong line or you have forgotten one of the documents you have to hand in. In my case, my health card. Why do they need to know that this minute? Other than the chance that I need stitches from butting my head against the hallowed halls proverbial stone wall, there is no reason that you cannot process my college application without my health card. But it seems that no health card means the computer will blow up and detonate without this one miniscule piece of data. Yet in my optimistic way I persevere.
My family's financial health is on the line.
So after two days of standing in lines I have come to the conclusion that kids do this in groups for a very good reason. Going to the bathroom. Having someone who can hold your place in line while you pee as fast as you can is priceless. Mastercard should make a commercial for this. Finally I have reached the brass ring. I am at the window for registration. I have all the necessary documentation. I have done it.
Only to be told that the course I want has been canceled due to lack of interest. Let's get this straight right now. It's not due to lack of interest---it's the fact that all the prospective students have just lost their patience and went home. Probably figured that they could go to the adult high school and do their year faster. Considering I have more time than money, this was my decision.
One of the first things you do when hoping to attend an adult high school is call for an appointment. Make sure you call Friday morning as that is when they make appointments for the next week. Now after my college experience I have to give them bonus points for this. I can play solitaire while I'm on the phone! Eighteen games of solitaire in and you will have reached someone who will make your appointment for you. She tells you that you need the following; your acedemic record, your health card (as if I haven't stapled it to the inside of my pocket), a piece of picture ID and $5 student fee. I could have kissed her over the phone. How simple this list is. Four documents, a piece of cake! Now for the reality.
Try getting your high school acedemic record in a week. Especially if any of the following apply; A) They closed down your high school and B) You now live 800 kilometers away from there or C) High school was apx. twenty years ago.
After crawling into my spider and dust filled crawlspace looking for a piece of paper in a box I had last seen when hanky headbands were fashionable, I find that the cat has made a lovely litter box for her kittens in it. So I think, "Oh well I will just call and they can fax me a new one."
Oh poor naive me. The person who answers the phone will very likely be the daughter of someone you went to high school with. Your conversation will run accordingly. "Lakeway?, I'm sorry ma'am but we don't have a Lakeway School in Sault Ste Marie. No ma'am I've been working here for two years and I swear that school does not exist. Ma'am are you sure you have the right Sault Ste Marie? What? They closed it down. Ooohhh." (Please note: This same child will persist in calling you ma'am. Making you feel like you not only learned Canada's Constitution but were there when they wrote the damned thing) She will then give you a list of 26 phone numbers, all long-distance, of places you might get a lead to this elusive document. No one knows where the records of Lakeway High School are being stored. When you finally find someone who might have an idea of where this document lies, you must submit a letter in writing of your request, along with a fee and detailed information such as your mothers maiden name. These are for security measures. Really? Who would want to steal my high school transcript? What burning issues will they have to know that I received an 80% in English but failed art?
In desperation I call almost every Greco in the Sault Ste Marie phone book looking for the only guidance counsellor who's name I remember. Within three minutes she gives me the location and description, down to the colour of the
box, where I would find it. So I have now located the document. It is now two days before my interview. Thank goodness for modern technology and Mastercard. I charge the fee and have them fax it right to the school I am applying at. Touchdown!!!! (Note: I really should list this in my job skills on my resume.)
Just the experience of walking into an adult high school will be the most culture shock I can handle. I was prepared for the fact that times have changed. I even gave myself a lecture on the way there. I think I'm a pretty up-to-date mom. I have a fifteen year old, so the fashions and the language weren't going to be that much of a shock, right? I have been living in Suburbia -w-a-y- too long.
I made it into the parking lot after threatening to run down two boys who are wearing hanky headbands. Apparently they somehow diminish sight and sound because I had to come within inches of them before they would move.
I get out of my car and a fifteen year old tells me to make sure I lock it and put my antenna down in case someone steals them. "Yeah" mutters a man as he walks by "they stole my Dodge insignia the other day." They stole his Dodge insignia? Dodge? Not his Harley Davidson, not his Rolls Royce but his Dodge insignia? How lame is that?
I then realize that there is a crowd of children outside the doors. They must be waiting for parents I thought. No, the term "adult" applies to these children. I could believe the boys were children but the girls? They all look like they just stepped out of a job interview for "Exotic Dancer." I have to fight down the urge to tell one young girl to put a sweater on for goodness sake. Man I'm old.
Next I literally, push, my way through the crowd of smokers to gain the door. Realizing of course that at least two of these children are not smoking cigarettes and I haven't actually smelled that smell in at least ten years. I'm not worried about violence though, there is a police officer parked outside the fence. They probably have increased police visibility in this area, as we are very close to downtown. Though even at it's rowdiest Ottawa has nothing on Toronto. I lived in Kensington Market in my youth, which has now pointedly been put in perspective for me. I am no longer even remotely allowed to call myself young. I was never as young as the children I see here even when I was a child.
I finally get to the registration office. Only to discover that the fifteen year old who told me to lock the car is the secretary. She has me fill out a few forms ("if you please ma'am".) You have to wonder what you're getting into when the form asks the following questions;
a) Are you now or have you any unresolved criminal charges pending from your previous school?
b) How will you support yourself while attending school (please check one)
__Family Benifets __Job __Employment Canada __Social Services __Parole __Parents
(Note there is not one place here for "living off my husband like a pre-feminist leech." There is not even an "other". )
c) Is a daily report for your substance abuse counselor required?
I notice alot of things in the couple of hours wait for my appointment
i) the fashions haven't changed since I went to school. Bell-bottoms, little shirts, patches and all.
ii) there is a boy next to me that a steel bracelet around his ankle. They still have those things for when you
ride your bike. You know, the one that stops your pantleg from catching in the chain.
I turn to talk to another woman my age. "This is the adult high school? They are taking the same classes we are?" I quiz her, hoping for a sense of comradeship or at least a sense that I'm not the only adult that has suddenly discovered her real age in this sea of Calvin Klein cologne and hormones. "Sure" she answers "but I'm the custodian, I only see them when I work overtime."
Much later, I learn from my fifteen year old, that the bracelet around the boy's ankle is a homing device. Breezily my son informs me the guy was probably under house arrest and he has to wear this thing that lets the police track him in case he runs. Much like the beeper the vet puts in your poodle so he doesn't get lost.
And the officer outside the school? Well she's on guard for the offenders that are being held in the local jail. Can't deprive them of an education! So a full time police officer is paid her daily wage to escort to and from school these proven criminals and she sits and drinks coffee all day waiting for one of them to break the law again!? Wonderful what our tax dollars are supporting.
(Forgive me for sounding so right wing but even I cannot see the sense in educating someone the justice system tags like a deer in a public school).
Finally I see the counsellor. Only to discover that they don't have a fax machine at this location, therefore they don't have my transcript. "Don't worry" she reassures me. "We don't really need it. If you've been out of school for more than for years, we do a general equivilency test."
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