There is one thing I will never learn right. To learn how to say goodbye. In this week, we lost Aunt Veronica who was a dear woman. In later years she had Alzheimers so we slowed down visiting her because we would scare her. We attended her funeral this morning and internment this afternoon. Usually I'm a font of strength for other people at funerals but this one I just couldn't take. I skipped the mass because I'm so ticked at the boss running the universe.
Aunt Veronica died and I have no doubt in my mind that the woman is up in Heaven where she knows she deserves to be. I went to support Mountain Man's mum because Aunt Veronica raised her after their own mum died and she's one of those strong, silent old school type but no matter how much you expect it, no matter that you know that Aunt Veronica is out of pain and happy in her faith, you still hurt because in the end, funerals are for the living. I thought I could be brave and keep my mouth shut about Mandy because this funeral is for Doug's family but seeing the flowers, the open graves and most of all there were teddy bears and firetrucks under one of the trees just broke my heart. I even took an anti-anxiety hoping it would make me too tired to lose it.
Whoever did Aunt Veronica's make-up was a pro. She looked beautiful. She looked at peace. I was not angry at any deity for taking her because she was 92. The woman I remember, (being the only other smoker on the Lorente side) would ride back with us to Ottawa and sing, "bringing up a baby bumblebee" with the kids and tell us how much she loved listening to the kids sing rather than the radio.
She also would tell all who would listen that the reason the ozone layer was in trouble was "because those silly scientist keep shooting up rockets and poking holes in it for goodness sake." Hers was a life of simple joy.
The anger and turmoil comes at the news I received last night. Mandy Anderson, a beautiful woman expecting her first baby, only 27 died. Her son was born stillborn on Saturday, they did an emergency C-section and then sent her home. Only to have a brain clot take her in the night. This is so wrong. She was too young and to take her baby and her at the same time is too tragic. It kills me that her last hours on earth were spent mourning for her son. As most of you know, I lost a child to SIDS. I know what she was feeling. Why couldn't it have been both at the same time? Why couldn't she have died with the hope of a bright future with her and her baby together? I'm so angry and frustrated.
I know that this woman was so filled with love and energy and beauty that she can't possibly be totally gone. Being a geek, I believe the rule that energy doesn't die, it just transforms. I believe she's at peace. What is killing me is Michael, her husband and her parents and family. I don't know them well. But I know the feeling that there is a whole inside you that will never fill up. I know the feeling that you will break into a million pieces and never get back together again. I hurt that anyone would have to go through that and I'm pissed off to no end that it is because of Mandy. It would break her heart to see it.
She had a shower on Saturday for her and her baby. I couldn't make it and I sent her an email apologizing. Her reply was in my email last night, "No worries Dude! Sorry for what your family is going through lately. We will find a day to destress soon." On my facebook, I had posted, "I am at the age of weddings and funerals, had enough of funerals people, somebody get married. I don't care if you sign the papers to make it legal, just get married already." She "liked" it.
She had a costumed wedding. This girl was so unique that it's inefficient for any deity to take her. Mind you, I'm sure she will give them a piece of her mind once she starts flying around up there in Heaven. And for her there is a Heaven no doubt. A plane of existence where she will watch over her family and friends forever. She will be the positive energy you need to draw on when the world looks just like it looks right now, bleak and cold an colourless.
When I see a Hello Kitty or the red-headed girl who's explaining once again that there are rules and you need to follow them but you can do it with flair and style. I will think of her and her son.
I don't think any of her family will read this but I wish I could teach you how to say goodbye, because I don't know how to. I don't want to. I will eventually because she would smack me up the back of the head and say, "Dude, Sort yourself out! Wear purple for me and remember that what made me wonderful was that I always fought for the positive." This is what I will hold onto.
I won't say Goodbye Mandy, I can't. I'm just going to say, Thank you for being part of my life. Fare well. Blessed Be.
