As you know, I have lost a daughter to SIDS. It was 20 years ago and though there are some bad days, I think I cope well.
I read an article today on another set of parents who lost their 7 year old son. I realized that sometimes it's just as hard to be the friend of someone who lost their child as being the grieving parents. The worst part is you just don't know what to do. Oh you can send flowers and cards, I fully encourage this but you are often left with feeling like you should do more. That there should be something practical that you can do that won't seem intrusive. In fact I have often been asked what people can do when they are supporting a friend through grief.
So here's a list of practical things you can do for a parent who is grieving;
Shine shoes. You are never prepared for a funeral and often men are so used to wearing running shoes they forget to dust and shine up their dress shoes. Ask if you can go in the closet and get their dress shoes and shine them. If you are close enough to the family, do it anyway without asking. It's a simple little thing but it's those things that overwhelm you.
In the same vein, do the laundry or offer to go out to get a dress shirt or dress or in Canada, a warm dress jacket for the siblings for the funeral. How many five year olds have dress pants and suits. Yet the child may feel disrespectful when everyone else is dressed up. Dad may not have worn his suit in three years and it may need airing, dusting or ironing.
Casseroles, juice, coffee, chocolate
Make food that can go in the freezer and be microwaved. If you are very industrious, make one person portions for the nights they need to feed the kids and can't eat themselves. The family will go through three or four cans of coffee, gallons of tea and juice. Don't forget cream and sugar.
"Make or buy a grieving basket." I make these for grieving friends. I just get candles, lavender, chocolate, a journal to have visitors write down their favourite memory of the lost one so the parent can read it later when they can deal, boxes of kleenex--the kind with the lotion, Vitamin B12 and D, rosehip and hibiscus tea for energy and chamomile for calmness, eye drops to sooth burning eyes, a list of phone numbers for later of local support groups such as Bereaved Families.
(You can buy Lavender seeds or oil at Bulk Barn usually in winter.) Lavender is an herbal remedy for stress. Sachets on their pillows or that can be hand carried are not only pretty, they can help create a better nights sleep. (They will get very little and it will not be a deep sleep so anything will help.) Chocolate has a natural anti-depressant. Having white candles in the house to light helps as well. You can cry so much that normal light is just too much to take.
Gas up their car. If you can afford it, a tank of gas allows them the freedom of running away from all the stress, going to the funeral home and later when they need to go the five hundred places that you have to file the forms or just to get to therapy.
Get them the contact numbers of local Bereaved Families. It's a support group that's funded by the United Way and it is made up of people who have lost family members.
Give any visiting grieving child paper and art supplies so they can express their own grief in their own way. A friend did this for the children visiting with their parents. It also keeps the kids quieter. The children of the neighbourhood made me a picture of black hole. They were scared that my daughter would get cold. Getting the picture allowed the parents of these children to open a dialogue.
If it all seems to overwhelm them, put them in your car, drive to a rural area and let them go out into the middle of a field and just scream!
Contact their doctor and update them on the situation, grief can excaberate alot of conditions such as heart conditions, stress/anxiety disorders etc.... This will give the doctor a chance to contact the parents if he/she is worried. I saw a man once who went into a diabetic coma at his wife's funeral because he forgot to take his insulin. Nobody knew he was a diabetic.
What you can say at the funeral.
"I don't understand how bad things keep happening to good people, I'm so sorry that it happened to you."
This meant to me that the person was saying. I don't think this is your fault. I still thought it was my fault but it didn't weigh so much on me.
"I know that he/she is in the arms of (someone who died before that loved them or only if they are very religious people Jesus.) By all rights, they should be in yours."
I found great comfort in the idea that Dee was buried with Hubby's mum and she was taking care of my daughter.
"You know, now might be the time to tell that bi**& that she's always annoyed you. Give her a piece of your mind. You can always claim it was the grief anyway."
Yes I know this sounds stupid but it will give them a minute of thinking of something other than their loss. I said this to a friend who's son had commited suicide and she came back a year later and thanked me.
In one month or year from now, grab a bottle of drink of their choice and let them talk and cry. You get so busy with the funeral and there are so many people willing to support you at the time but it is when the hue and cry quiets down that you actually have time to process and examine your feelings and need someone to talk to. There is usually nobody there two months later but oh how it helps.
At Xmas, make an ornament that symbolizes the person they lost. You think you will be reminding them of their loss but I tell you this, they will be thinking about it anyway, even twenty years later. Knowing that people remember the child will help keep those memories of good times alive for the parent.
And last but never the least,
I remember at Dee's wake, Hubby's dad introduced me to a pair of his friends who had lost their daughter to cancer. I needed them to tell me it was going to get better. That I wouldn't hurt so much forever because I just couldn't bear it. They did and though it didn't seem that way, it's was important to hear.
"I know it feels like a greating yawning hole of pain right now but I can promise that it will get easier to bear. You will not feel like this forever. You will never get over it but it will get easier to bear. I just want you to know that I am here and you have family and friends who will do everything in their power to help fill that hole up with love and caring."
Since I've listed the Do's, I also want to include a few don'ts.
DO NOT SAY
"You can have other children." or "At least you still have other children." This should be self-evident about how stupid it is but you won't believe how many people still say it. No child is replacable.
"I just don't how you can deal with this. I know they were not my children but it is affecting me so hard."
You can talk to other friends and family about how it is affecting you but the parents have enough to deal with without them having to comfort you too.
"You'll get over it."
No they won't. They will learn to deal with it but the loss will be felt forever. Acknowledge that and give them hope it will get easier.
I hope this will help you help your friends and family. I had such amazing friends and family when Dee died that I never thought once of harming myself. I've tried to thank them many times but I don't think they know even today how much their actions and words saved my sanity.
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