Warning, this post is R rated. If you're not 18 or you are one of my children or you never needed to know this much information, skip it.
At our age and with our lifestyles, sometimes keeping the magic in the bedroom is not only a challenge, it’s exhausting. Yet I believe that a healthy sex life is not only good for a marriage but great for a woman’s self-confidence.
One of the most common complaints I hear from my friends my age is “he’s just not that interested anymore.” From younger friends it’s, “It’s hard with two kids.” I’ve never had that complaint. Probably because of whom I am and who I married. One of my friends asked me the other day, how I keep my guy chasing me all over the house after 24 years of marriage? I answered her, “Barring physical issues such as impotence and illness and trust issues you can keep the magic in the bedroom, whether you want to or not—that is another story.”
When I told my Gramma that I was getting married, one of the first questions she asked was, “Is he good in bed? ‘Cause you’re gonna' spend half your life there.” (She had to wake me up from my faint to get an answer. This is the woman who has never told a naughty joke in mixed company.) Then she added, “If he’s not, train him right from the beginning. “
It’s a good question. An unhappy sex life can lead to major issues and divorce in a marriage. It’s not an opinion, it’s a proven fact. So what makes a healthy sex life practical in a marriage?
From the beginning of the relationship, if you are not willing to even try to tell him what you like or not, then you’re doomed. A healthy sex life however doesn’t start in the relationship at all. A healthy sex life, for a woman, starts in her head.
A woman who believes she’s sexy will be sexy to those around her, including your partner. Confidence is 50% of the necessary component to feeling sexy. (See my post on “How Can I Feel Sexy with Peanut Butter down my Bra?) This goes for men too, though you’d have to have a pair of pliers to get them to admit it.
Once you have that down, you can get the Attitude. The Attitude is the view that sex is a sport, a way of renewing the connection between partners and just plain fun. You need all three.
My grandmother has never really said the word, “sex” in her life that I know of. She uses euphemisms and the one that always makes me giggle is when she calls sex, “marital duties.”
This is key to the Marriage Mamba. If you see sex with your partner as a duty or either of you sees it as a right, then you’re in trouble. It leads to resentment, arguments and bad feelings. A healthy sex life is important to a marriage but it is also listed under the benefit column. One thing every woman or man should know. You are allowed to say No! If someone says No, you can try to convince but never, ever demand.
Face it. There are going to be dry spells. Kids, illness or stress will radically affect your performance. I love these newlyweds that think their marriage is in trouble when they go for a few weeks without sex. It’s just so funny. Girl, I’m telling you straight, there are going to be times in your marriage when you are talking months. There are times when my Hubby asks, “You up for it?” and I answer, “Nah, I’m too tired, go watch porn.”
It’s just human nature that there will be times when you’re “get up and go” has “got up and went.” The idea is to make it memorable when the spell is over.
I have a few friends of mine that I can talk to freely and openly about sex, other than that I have to know you really well to talk about it. In my real life, I’m probably as bad as my Gramma. (In fact I found out recently that my nieces and nephews consider me a prude.) It’s important to have these friends. We give each other tips and we make jokes. You can send anyone of us into gales of laughter by just saying, “Honey, don’t cut your hair too short,” because the unsaid part is, “Cause I don’t want to have to hold your ears!”
If you don’t have a sense of humour and if you can’t talk to anyone about sex, you need to get a therapist. You don’t have to be me with my shameless attitude but you do need to be able to communicate your feelings, even if it’s in euphemisms with at the very least, the person you are having it with.
After the kids come, if you can both find the energy at the same time your next problem is where and when.
One of the best marital aids in our early marriage was my sister-in-law. Bless her forever! Every couple of Tuesday night’s she would babysit so Hubby and I could go to Discount movie night. I would sit through the entire movie with a dime in my hand, wanting to call her and check on the kids but it did help me relax enough to consider getting in the mood. It gave me a chance to change my self-image from “Mommy,” to “Woman.” For a woman, that is really important. People just don’t like to admit their moms are sexual creatures. But really Buddy? How do you think you got here?
So how much harder do you think it is for Mommy herself when you spend 24/7 thinking of yourself as ‘Mommy?’ It’s hard to change your mental picture of yourself to “Hot Mama,” You can do this by relaxing, going on date night or even watching a steamy movie or reading a bonkbuster novel.
The next challenge you face is the dreaded, “Daddy, why are hurting Mommy?” This is the question you get asked when your five year old quietly sneaks into your room to see what the noise is about and wants to join in the tickle fight. Millions of adults all over the world are probably still madly repressing the memory of seeing their parents make the “beast with two backs.”
No parent wants to lock the kids out of the bedroom in case of an emergency. So get yourself a set of bells. I’m not kidding. Get one of those old fashioned store bells or leave out the Xmas bells or even borrow the ones from your kids’ toy box. It's the next evolution of the college sock on the door. You might still have to do the .5 second cover up when they barge in on you but it’s will at least give you the .5 seconds.
Even when your kids are teens, don’t put those bells away. I am still sitting here grinning, remembering a few years ago my daughter told us she was going to a sleepover. Honey and I were like, “Whoo Hoo! Privacy, finally!”
Earlier, I’d found the “personal massager” in the closet that I’d never used. Someone had given it to me at my wedding shower and I couldn’t figure out a non-embarrassing way of getting rid of it. It was old. My god, it was so old the battery compartment was rusted! Hubby was happily giving me a special massage when suddenly we heard the clatter of five girls pouring into the house. The girls had to come to our house because the friend’s toilet had broken !! Caitlin was automatically heading up the stairs to our room to let us know what was going on…
Poor Mountain Man!!! Horrified, he made the giant five foot leap to the door to lock it but the massager was so old it wouldn’t turn off. Next thing I know he’s buck naked, banging the buzzing thing on the dresser and swearing!!! And I was no help at all because I was on floor holding my tummy giggling and laughing. (Poor Fella’, not his fondest memory, but definitely one of mine.)
These moments are going to happen. Do your best to prevent them from happening but don’t let the thought of them happening prevent you from enjoying yourself. So what if you have to pay for a few sessions of therapy when they are adults? You’re probably going to have to anyway.
Not all sex is going to be magical. I have three categories of marital sex; “Honey, get your helmet sex,” “The Renewal of the bonds sex" and “maintenance sex.”
“Honey get your helmet,” sex is the boisterous, energetic sex as a sport. It can still be romantic and bonding but it tends to run more along the lines of newlywed discovery.
“The renewal of the bonds,” sex is when you make love. When you feel like you need to be so close to your partner, you want to be under each other’s skin. It’s a reaffirmation of your love and commitment. Even if you never have the other two, this is the important one because it is an emotional bonding that marriage is all about. It’s romantic and wonderful and slow.
“Maintenance sex,” is when one partner really isn’t in the mood but you want to get him to sleep quickly so you can read your book. It’s a little more mechanical, it’s the sex you have when you don’t have the energy for the other two. It’s still important because you have to have enough respect to consider your partner’s needs as well as your own.
The problem for most people is as they get older, they get stuck in maintenance mode. Get out of it! Both of you!
Men have to take just as much blame as women for this if not more. When was the last time your husband dressed up, wore cologne and took you out on a date night? How many times have you told hubby that he needs to get on that diet? Men after a certain age have to feel sexy to be sexy too.
And let’s face it girls, men are not normally blessed with imagination after a certain age. Tell him what can make your motor run! Leave the Cosmo with the page open to the ideas you’d like to try in the bathroom. Underline or highlight the parts you like if you have to. It’s a proven fact that men will read in bathrooms even if they won’t read a cereal box out of it.
Guys—make her want you to want her! Sorry if it sounds callous but you have to work for it. She’s worth it. Women are expected not to "let themselves go," so why do men expect a pass? Some nights, all hubby has to do is take a shower, gel the hair, put on the cologne, help me laugh and relax by watching a romantic movie, (preferably with Colin Firth or Brendan Fraser) and he’s got a free ticket to Heaven.
And don’t forget the power of the naughty! Some of the greatest sexual performances of a marriage have been on a back dirt road on the way home from a wedding or work party. Mind you some of the greatest injuries come from this too after a certain age. If you’re hoping, don’t take the Mini Austen, take the minivan.
So that was my answer to my friend. How have hubby and I kept the excitment alive~ I have a football helmet by the headboard.
Have a great day all,
Kimberley
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