How can you help a friend with cancer?

At nineteen and then again at 34, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  Each time was a battle.  Each time I made it through sane, healthy and happy because of the love, support and caring of those around me.  I have been cured for----wait, that would be telling---let's just say many years. 

Each time my Gramma was the rock of my world.  She treated me like an adult with an illness, not a victim, not a child, not a china doll.  She gave me strength by helping me to find my strength.

It was extremely hard for me as a teenager as my life had finally gotten settled down and I was finally living a quasi-normal life but I have to say, it was harder on my hubby and kids when I was an adult.  I was too sick to be scared most of the time but they had to stand back and watch. 

They were terrified of losing me and they didn't know how to talk to me.  We however, have excellent friends, family and support and we all came through it.  We have all survived but whenever I get really sick with the Fibromyalgia, they all ask the same thing.  You've gone for your pap, mammogram this year haven't you?

My Gramma, my sister and my mother have all had cancer.  None of them have their original boobs.  They have all survived.  In my Hubby's family my sister-in-law and mother-in-law, his favourite aunt have all survived this nasty disease but unfortunately, my Hubby's mother lost the battle when he was four.  In this family, breast cancer is almost like the flu. 

I have never pussyfooted around about sex, breast exams, protecting yourself, getting your mammograms and paps to my daughter or son, my nieces and nephews or even strangers on the street.

If you are ovulating and having sex you are an idiot if you don't get a pap every two years.  If you have breasts, you tell your doctor about every woman in your family who has it and you get your mammograms.  They are uncomfortable, embarrassing and when you are a fried-egg girl they sometimes hurt.  But do you want to be embarrassed or dead?

(If you explain to your pre-teen what a pap involves, you may even stop her from becoming sexually active too early.)

There are many types of cancer and they are not limited to women, a friend has just written a book on surviving prostate cancer.  I may talk about breast cancer because it is the one I am most familiar with but most of this advice will help anyone who knows someone with a serious disease.

Let me tell you about Ruth.  Ruth was something like a 105.  (I don't know her real age.  She just joked she was 105.  She was probably in her late 80's)  She was a scrappy, funny lovely woman and there was one time when she told me something I will never forget and you shouldn't either.

I met Ruth at the cancer clinic.  I just had to ask one day why she was putting herself through all this?  It's not that she was old and should just give in.  It's just that I wondered how someone that age could physically stand the treatment.  Anyway, we were in the Dialysis room and we were talking.  So being the nosy, busybody who was born without the tact gene, I asked her why she was fighting.

This was her answer, "Because I have daughters, granddaughters and great-granddaughters and I want them to know that every minute of life of their lives is worth fighting for!!  I want them to never say, It's not worth the fight.  Chop it off, burn it off, get so much radiation you glow in the dark but fight damn you!!!!  So yes, I was advised by my doctor that this would be hard and could even  be dangerous but at my age, the only thing I have to give them is a good example."

(That is not the only reason I will remember Ruth, I noticed that the colour of my blood was a different red from hers.  I pointed out that hers seemed lighter red than mine.  She smiled sweetly and said, "Well Dear, throughout my life I've distilled mine with alcohol.")

Ruth didn't make it but she has left a legacy and message that will be passed down to her daughters and mine.

Fight! 

So how can you help your friend fight?

The very first thing you have to remember, is that just because their body is sick, their IQ isn't.  Don't treat them like babies.  They are a person with an illness.  Not the village idiot.

When a friend tells me they are seriously sick and especially if they are going to have chemo I make them a tote bag with a blanket.  It's really, really cold in hospitals and when you come out after treatment you are shivering.  The nurses give you these hot flannel sheets but they always seem to cool down too fast

I usually just buy the blanket because it is cheaper.  Make it the softest material you can find that's warm.  I like the new cozy blankets that they sell.  They are cheap, you can find them almost any department store or online and they are so soft.  They are also really light so they don't weigh on the skin.  You need to check with the doctor about the material because some forms of cancer treatments can actually cause the material to become radioactive.

Sign them up for a Quilt from Victoria's Quilts Canada.

If ever there were an example of people who are Heroes and don't know it, the people of this organization are.  It is a group of mostly women who sew quilts for cancer patients.  They don't sell them, they donate them.  Send them money!  My friend, whose mother I signed up, will tell me every year, "My mom still has that quilt on her bed." 
This is their mission statement.

By providing these quilts, we hope to bring physical comfort to those dealing with cancer, as well a spiritual comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their struggle.
They will keep all of your friends’ information private.  You will never get spam from them and they will NEVER sell your or your friends’ info."

 Help them set up rides.  Yes there are volunteer programs for patients to get rides to and from treatment but would you want to ride with a stranger? 


If you have any time during the day, volunteer.  There just isn't enough volunteers for this program so if you have other friends and family willing to give them rides, make a schedule and get anyone you know involved.

In some cities the person who is driving them can be reimbursed for their gas.

If you like to bake or cook then make casseroles, one person meals, lasagna etc...that can go in the freezer.  Especially if they have family.  Sometimes mom has to feed the kids but she is just feeling like crap.  If she can just go into the kitchen and grab something from the freezer you made and heat it up, she will bless your name. I don't just mean while they are going through treatment.  Long after treatment it takes time to build your strength back and some days, just making tea is just too much of a chore.

Make or buy them a "I'm Sick" basket. 

One thing I try to do for my friends who are going through trauma is send them baskets.  Sometimes I can't afford to put everything I want in them but they always have most of the basics;

Chocolate as a natural anti-depressant.  The darker the better.  
Lavender in seeds, oils or dried plants to promote calmness.
Chamomile tea to help them sleep and Rosehip and Hibiscus for energy.
A journal and pen for thoughts that they don't want to share.  It always has a lock for rape victims. 
Some kind of humour or inspirational book depending on who I'm giving it to.  My two favourites are "The Wit and Wisdom of Terry Pratchett' and "The Dalai Lama's Book of Wisdom."
White candles because when you cry, regular light can hurt but they never want to be in the dark.
A box of tissues, preferably the kind with lotion.

For cancer patients I add a list of websites or numbers of places I think will help them.  When it is cancer, my favourites are the Canadian Cancer Society, the particular website for their cancer, such as Prostate Cancer Society.


(If it is prostate I also throw in Richard Bercuson's book on surviving prostate cancer along with a little figurine of radioactive Mr. Burns.)


There are quite a few more practical things you can do and you can visit these organizations websites for more ideas on how to volunteer or help your friend. 
 Encourage them to a hobby for their level of illness.
I was ambulatory for all of my illness as an adult, just not for long.  One thing I had always wanted to do was to get my high school diploma.  Due to the circumstances of my life I had never graduated high school.  So my Gramma helped me to sign up for adult high school as I only had to go three hours a day.  I came out, not only a graduate but as Valedictorian.  Believe it or not I did take grammar while I was there but for some reason it never sticks.


I felt a sense of accomplishment, I had something to talk about other than my illness and I was busy.  St. Nick's, the school I went to was very understanding about my situation and I can't tell you how many angels and heroes are running about that school. 


Of course, not every person who is sick can go to school but they can listen to books on tape, do little crafts or play games.  Find out what they are interested in, or something they've never had the time to learn to do and help them organize doing it.  You don't have to spend money you don't have.  The public library is filled to the rafters on how to...  There are loads of websites just about the subject that your friend can visit or read. 


This will really help as it's so hard to have anything in your head other than your illness and everyone needs a break for their troubles.


Give them the gift of humour.  Send them funny jokes or books or DVD's you think are funny.  When I got sick I got my first Terry Pratchett Discworld book from a friend.  I was probably one of the few people in chemo who was giggling in the hallway.  I would read it while I waited for appointment, rides etc....
Laughter is still the best medicine. If you know the person you will know their humour.  So make it something you think will make them laugh.  The only reason I point this out is that my hubby has the sense of humour of a five year old boy and  his humour runs along the lines of The Great Book of Fart Jokes.  (Though I have to hear them.)  It would be a waste of his and my time and money to have him give it to me. 


Start taking pictures and asking your friend for stories and memories of their life.  Goddess forbid you should lose your friend but if you do you will want friends and family to keep happy memories alive.  You can scrapbook or you can just collect stories and memories and put them in a book for their family and friends to remember them.  Keep a journal yourself of every memory, shared moment, what you think of them.  Be honest, ugly warts and all.  It's important that new generations not only know what a wonderful person they were but that they were real people.  You may not want to write, "[my friend] was anal and made lists in her sleep," but it's that part that makes them real to anyone reading it.  Including you.  Even if your friend survives it's a beautiful gift to future generations. 


What can you say?


If you've read every blog here you will realize this is a stock phrase for me but I really mean it.  "I don't understand why bad things happen to good people.  I'm so sorry that this has happened to you."  Even if you've never smoked, if you've lived a hippie life of organic foods and exercised like Richard Simmons, every person who gets a terminal illness will secretly "know" what they did to contribute to it.  It may not be true but they worry that they deserve it somehow.  The first thing anyone thinks during a traumatic situation is "Why Me?"  The problem is; there is no answer.
It's important for you to reinforce the message that you don't think they deserved it and neither should they. 


"Well that's not fair.  The universe is picking on you isn't it, the bully."  Nobody deserves cancer.  Help your friend understand that life is not fair but you will do everything in your power to fight back and help them to fight back.


Watch your tone of voice.  It's very easy for people to speak to someone who is ill as if they are a child.  Yes have compassion in your voice but don't let it become the "pitying" voice.  This grated on my nerves so much when I was sick.  I hate being pitied.  It make me feel like a victim.  Yes I was a victim of cancer but I wanted to be treated as person who was battling cancer.  So when I meet up with someone who has cancer, I don't ask, "How are you?"  900 people have asked them the same question and you really get tired of hearing it.   I ask, "How's the battle going?" 


"I am here to listen to all the bad things you are going through but here's the deal.  You can spend all day complaining but I want to know one good thing.  I don't care if it's that you saw a robin this morning, a joke you heard, a nice deed someone has done for you.  I just want to know one good thing that has happened to you today."


When I was going through cancer the first time, it was very easy to unload to my Gramma the horrible thoughts, how sick I was feeling etc....to get me out of pitying myself and for her own balance she made this rule.  It has helped me through every trauma in my life.  There is good in everything.  It's just sometimes very, very hard to find it.  If you don't look; the bad things overwhelm you.  It's also hard to for you to spend hours listening to such pain.  So both of you look for the good thing. 
Eg;  When I was going through chemo I told Gramma, "Snoopy Dance of Joy, the hair on my head fell out but so did my underarm and leg hair.  No shaving my legs."


When I was sick I lost my temper and told my friend who had a bad habit of gossiping about peoples sex life to shut up.  So let your friend tell someone who had always annoyed them off.  Even if it's you.  Then I cried and blamed it on the hormones. The person forgave me because of the circumstances, we talked it out and we are still friends but I never would have had the courage to say how I felt if I hadn't had the push to do it.  I am in real life, very polite and I hate conflict but I thought, "What have I got to lose?"


Guaranteed, just proposing the idea to your friend will make them smile.


Well this is all I can think of this morning.  If anyone wants to add ideas or comments of their own just keep it practical and clean.  I'm always looking for ideas on how to help others.  The more unusual the better.