Herding Jellyfish and Pressure Cookers

*letter dated November 2010

Hi family;  How is everyone getting set up for the holidays?  Got your Xmas cards out?  I know I had at least fifty left over from last year but for the life of me I can't find them.

Aunt E asked us for family pictures for Gramma's birthday and I am really trying to get one for her. Since the last family picture we have was done was when Caitlin was 12 and she's now 20, I decided it was time, especially since we have new family members. Yep, that was a bad idea.


Trying to find a day for everyone to get together for a picture is like herding cats--no forget the cats, it's like herding jellyfish. Caitlin insists that Keagan be in the picture and since they've been together for five and a half years, I considered it. I tried the argument that they were not officially married or even engaged and my sweet little baby girl informed me that "Nobody believes in marriage anymore. I'm never getting married."

 IT BROKE MY HEART!!!

I've been dreaming of my daughter's wedding since the doctor announced she was a girl.  Doesn't every mother do that?   I swear I knew I'd have to face the fact that she would want to plan her own wedding. I just hoped to get in a few minor details. I was so looking forward to making her dress, see her dance the father/daughter dance. (I even had the song picked out, "Sundown" from Fiddler or "I'll Stand By You.")

I don't care if it makes me sound like a prude. I don't say everyone has to get married but I believe in marriage and more importantly, I BELIEVE IN WEDDINGS."

Though Keagan and Catie are not living together, they are still boyfriend/girlfriend, they refer to each other as "partners." Partners? It still sounds like a business deal to me. But hey, moving with the times. (Unlike Hubby who sees no reason to move anywhere and can currently be found with both legs and arms wrapped around the table leg, screaming for "it all to stop," when it comes to his daughter.)

So I finally agreed Keagan could be in the picture and he can't make it.

I compromised on three pictures; Breyan and Family, me and Hubby and Caitlin with Keegan photoshopped.

It's depressing.
Snoopy Dance though, Breyan and his family are coming for dinner tonight so I decided to make a nice pork roast and do a real family dinner.  That always cheers me up.

First problem: No slow cooker--Breyan borrowed it. I will never see that slow cooker again.

Second problem: Decided to use the pressure cooker I've had for about 20 years and never figured out how to use.

Well that didn't work.

I have a great recipe but I had to figure out how to actually cook with a pressure cooker. I can find 10,000 recipes online but does anyone put the instructions for actually using the stupid thing? Of course not and the company that made it went out of business before the internet went public!  Sounds such as ARGGGHH! are passing my lips.

So I did what I thought was a smart thing. Asked my friends on Facebook. Only problem I was asking about slow cookers, not pressure cookers. (I'm a whiz with a slow cooker.)

Didn't get an answer, (except from Yvonne who calls me every Thanksgiving to be reminded how to cook the turkey, which tells you how desperate I am.) but her instructions were for slow cookers.

I finally found a kind of recipe with minimal instructions for using this evil kitchen invention and decided to risk it.

Ummm......how do I get the lid off?

I am not kidding when I say this pressure cooker is old. The lid was rusted shut.

So I did the 'Kimberley' thing.

I got a hammer.

It took a few hits, the dog was hiding under the couch but I got that stupid thing open. Hah!  Don't mess with the frustrated cook!

Only to find the instruction pamphlet inside, copyright 1987.

Okay, I've got all the ingredients in and I've proudly put it on the stove;  where it proceeded to spit and spatter at me and freaked me out so I turned the heat off and waited for it to stop spitting. 

Maybe I'll just do the roast in the oven.

Uh Oh, new problem...can't get the lid off! (Yes I admit I was cursing by this time and dog was hiding under bed in our room.)

So I decided to get the hammer again.

Luckily, sense kicked in and I realized that hitting a pressure cooker with something like 15 psi that is spitting at you may not actually  be the best idea.

So I put the pot in the sink and ran cold water over it. Hoping the lid would just pop off.  I figured it would work like getting a lid off a pickle bottle?

Well it worked but teeny teeny issue. The lid came off so fast the water poured in the pot.

Anybody want a pressure cooker? Hammer included.

So I moved on to yams. Breyan loves them.

Why do potato peelers and can openers only disappear when you need them? Every other time they will be having a laugh with the whisk making your drawers stick and giggling with the soup scoop.

It's fine I can use a knife.

Or I could use a knife, except Hubby's older brother gave my Mountain Man a Stone flint the other day. You're supposed to be able to strike it along any knife blade and it sparks and you can start a fire.

I know this is not true because Hubby and Caitlin used all of my gourmet knives trying it, not realizing that my knives are ceramic.  Now there isn't a knife in the house that can cut butter.

They finally ended up using the machete my Mum gave me. It's ancient but that thing has always been my favourite because it will cut through pretty well anything.

Unless Hubby and Caitlin used it to see if they could set dryer lint on fire and my machete is now so dull it's stuck in the middle of a yam and I'm trying to beat the yam to death by banging it on the counter!

(Oh yeah and Hubby did try to start the dryer lint on fire in the middle of the dining room on my wood floors. I think I married this man for his looks.)

Well I better go drag the dog out from under the bed.

How are you all keeping up? Miss you lots but will have to write later.

I have to go order pizza.

Kimberley
PS  Later.. trying to explain to hubby why the pressure cooker is in thirteen pieces in the recycle.

PSS  Just to let you know.  Hubby is still alive though his answer to my bad day whine was, "Well why did you go to so much trouble?  The kids would have been happy with spaghetti?" 

PSs  The kids had to cancel coming for dinner because Sarah had an allergic reaction to something and being pregnant can't do anything but baking soda baths.