Sorry I haven't written for a while. It's been a hell of a two weeks since I cracked my ribs. I couldn't sit up for long periods of time and I couldn't write for long periods.
In fact I've become a couch potato and for the life of me I do not see how people can do this without becoming insane. The dishes call to me, "Clean Me," so pitifully, the dust bunnies are getting names, the bottom of my walls look like modern art with the mud smears from Mischief's tail.
MM and Catie get very frustrated that I get up and try to do these things but I'm in a catch-22. If I don't try to get up and move, then the Fibromyalgia will freeze me up and make me bedridden and if I get up too much the ribs are yelling at me that they plan on going on strike or mad dwarfs start playing xylophone symphonies on them with hammers. It doesn't help that Catie has Strep.
She was supposed to be moving out August 1 to a house with a group of friends but poor her, the people in the house need more time to move so she has to stay home an extra month. (Yahoo! but don't tell her that. I really wasn't looking forward to a Catie free house.)
One occasion I had to get up for was the Family BBQ to welcome MM's Aunt Joan to Ottawa from BC. I've always loved her visits and I love seeing MM's family because they are amazing people and it's a weird difference from when we first met. (Nothing to do with all those big gorgeous men to hug, honest!) MM hates going to these things alone and he prefers I come as he says he likes showing me off. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm the one that remembers all the family names of nieces, nephews, hobbies, taste preferences, jobs etc...)
I understand that because I love bringing Catie, Breyan and the girls out because I'm so proud of them. Yeah I know, other people show off their new cars and careers and I show off my kids but they take just as much work without the promotions and none of the health benefits. I get paid in hugs, kisses, and "Love you Nona," but to me that means more than any new truck or nameplate on the door.
Anyway, we got to see Aunt Joan who I think is an amazingly strong woman, and she brought two lovely friends with her. They were adorable. The woman, Ann, has an essential tremor too and it was neat to meet someone who has grown up with it the way I have and has a sense of humour about it. Very much women to admire.
Then I talked to my Aunt Liz about what's going on with Gramma and about Catie moving out and I had an epiphany.
I don't know how many times I've been asked how I keep sane with all the trauma I've had in my life. How could I not with the amazing examples of admirable women in my life?
To name a few;
Gramma; A woman who defined family so much that my friends call her "Gramma" and go to visit her. She taught me to count my blessings, not my bothers. She taught me that love is unconditional.
Mum: Yeah we have our issues but my mother taught me that the business world is not a man's domain. She taught me women can do whatever they convince themselves they can do and look fabulous doing it.
Aunt Liz: A woman who has so much love that she is the rock of our family and has always been there for any of her nieces and nephews. A woman who never passed the physical for "Mother" but has been one for all of us for years. She taught me that the word "Mother" is flexible.
Aunt Lynette: A woman who dealt with her husband's issues with love, patience and downright stubbornness. She taught me that love can conquer all.
My sis-in-law: A woman who faced physical disability with structure and discipline. She taught me that no matter what people say about you, It's what you say about yourself that counts in the end.
My big sis: She taught me that as long as children grow up knowing they are unconditionally loved by at least one person, they can survive any childhood trauma.
Lynne and Deb: They taught me the meaning of true friends. Also that it doesn't matter what happens in the past, you are in charge of your future.
Lisa and Val: Rock chicks never die. They have taught me to hold on to the joy of being young, no matter how old you get.
Katie: Taught me that Life is what you make it and you have to take responsibility for that. Also that women can have an IQ higher than your rent and still be sexy and street smart.
Darla: Taught me that being vulnerable is not a weakness and it's okay to lean on others when you have to. It takes a strong person to know when they need help.
Ivy, Lillian, Natasha, Ingrid, Debra, Tina, (Jean, honorary) Samantha, and the whole crew from the Vergs, taught me that women can do anything when they band together. We are strength in numbers.
Sarah (Derek's): Taught me that women need other women in their lives, you face challenges everyday in your life and with good friends, each and everyone of them can be met.
Lois: There is nothing a woman cannot do if she makes up her mind to do it. A woman who turned her whole life upside down and made it one worth living. She taught me that you don't have to accept limits.
Janie: Taught me that physical limits can't make you have psychological limits. Cancer is a word, an illness, not a frame of mind.
Aunt Elta and Debbie: Taught me social responsibility, and how to be a strength to my family when they are hurting, a support when they are striving.
Yvonne: I'm still learning from. She has taught me that with love, a sense of humour and duty there is nothing I can't survive.
Mary-Ann: Taught me that if you don't live your life honestly then you cannot complain about not being happy. It may not be easy but it's worth it.
MM's mom: There is nothing wrong with discipline in your life and raising your children. You are not setting limits for them, just boundaries to make them feel secure until they learn to stretch them.
Jenny, Catie, Sarah, Samantha, Ashley, Cassie, Christine; These are my daughters friends and the next generation of amazing women. Each of these girls have met some major challenges in the young lives and each have not only overcome but thrived. They are an example of what women can be, should be and will be. I'm so proud to know them all and consider them part of my family.
There are just so many more I can name in my life. Each one of these women and the many more in my life have made me like and accept the chick in the mirror. With heroines like this in my life, not to mention the many men who make my world wonderful, how can I ever say Life is too Hard?
Showing posts with label Women's Stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Women's Stories. Show all posts
Friday, August 05, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
What is a Slut?: He Says vs She Says
So every once in a while Hubby will get bored and just throw a question out into the air to see my reaction. The other day he came up and asked me, "How do you define a 'slut?"
Of course, my first reaction was, "Uh? What have you been smoking?"
It evolved eventually into each of us describing what defined a "slut?" Now historically the word is based on 'slattern; a woman who is a messy housekeeper.' We were arguing on it's modern usage. Since Hubby is a man, his answer was very simple: "a woman who has had 'x' number of men, usually dresses really cheap." (He couldn't settle on a definitive number, probably in an attempt to spare me from having to kill him.)
Of course, my first reaction was, "Uh? What have you been smoking?"
It evolved eventually into each of us describing what defined a "slut?" Now historically the word is based on 'slattern; a woman who is a messy housekeeper.' We were arguing on it's modern usage. Since Hubby is a man, his answer was very simple: "a woman who has had 'x' number of men, usually dresses really cheap." (He couldn't settle on a definitive number, probably in an attempt to spare me from having to kill him.)
Saturday, January 08, 2011
How can I feel sexy with peanut butter down my bra?
Warning, this post walks a thin line between PG and R.
I don't know if you guys know this but this blog is made up of letters to my friends and Gramma. I found one from when the kids were little and with a little updating, nothing has actually changed. My daughter in law who is expecting in February will understand this one.
May 1994
I have always believed that if you feel sexy, other people will see you as sexy. I've seen 6' 2" women who weigh in close to a small rhinos be considered sexy because they feel they are, they know they are and they will let you know it too girlfriend!
If you really look at the sex symbols of history you will notice that some of them can in no way be described as a traditional beauty but they were the greatest sex symbols of their time. They didn't have to wear camel toe jeans or low cut tops. They didn't wear nine pounds of make up. They had class! Name a few? Mae West, Ethel Merman, Lily Langtry. These women could be called pretty, handsome or nice looking today but they were the Hot Mama's in their own time! What made them sex symbols is that they had no shame, they made an effort, they had class, had a sense of humour about how they looked but most of all, Because they made you believe it!!!!
I will complain about it but I have to admit it's a boost to my self esteem that even after three kids, my hubby still tells me I make his motor run. It's annoying sometimes and I often want to lend him out to my single friends so I can get some sleep but really, when I look around at the other mothers I see the challenges we have to face. It's a thin line between sexy and trashy. The mother wearing the mini-skirt, five inch heels and shirt cut down to her navel is not sexy.
(You are still not allowed not allowed to snub her or whisper with the other mothers about her because if you are going to that, then you are a Bi--h. If you haven't been in her bedroom while she's doing the football team, you have no right to call her anything. If it bugs you that much, make friends and then offer a makeover. I've gotten my best babysitters this way.)
I don't see very many women at the playground that would be considered "Foxes." Most of the moms are usually wearing sweats, running shoes, they have no make up on and they couldn't attract flies.
Then I see the mothers that you would consider "sexy." Not the kind that men consider sexy because they show skin, the classy sexy ones. They are wearing skirts, have perfect makeup, hair and nails and men are turning heads, opening doors and whistling. These are the women that are considered sexy.
Don't they know that Mother Nature herself is standing behind them, just waiting to pull down their butts and boobs and counting the ticks on the biological clock wrinkle bomb? Why do they seem know that the guy who just whistled is whistling at them?
Yeah they know all that stuff. They just don't care. That is part of their secret of being "sexy?"
They have the same amount of kids as I have and at the same age yet they look ten years younger and I wish I could say, "Because they have an au pair" but I look in the mirror and wail, "It's because I've given up." I just don't have time to fiddle around with nail polish and hairspray. I can't keep my clothes free of kid sticky, or baby barf.
How can I possibly feel sexy when there is peanut butter down my bra?
Once you become a mother, time inevitably takes it's toll and admit it, we get lazy. We figure we are moms and we don't need to be sexy anymore. It's a lot of work.
My friend told me about a guy who had a sex change. She met him/her a few months after at the grocery store, wearing sweats, no make up, hair in a bun. He sighed and told her, "Looking good is so much work!"
I have nightmares that I will end up being one of those woman who wear hair curlers to the store.
It all starts in pregnancy. How can a woman even imagine she looks Farrah Fawcett [or in today's world Megan Fox] in the first trimester when you've been throwing up all afternoon, * your hair is tied back with a rubber band to keep it out of the way when you puke and you may still be riding high on the news but in the back of your mind you're like, "Oh my God I'm going to be huge!"
Putting on makeup is just too much of a challenge in the morning and yes your skin has either decided to be the best it's ever been or, more commonly, you get acne all over again.
Then you get to the second trimester, where--- if this is your first child--- nothing is showing but you can't wait to wear those maternity clothes and if it's the end of your pregnancy or your second or third~ you can't wait to burn them.
Who came up with one piece jumpers as maternity wear? The label should say Marquis de Sade. Didn't this designer realize pregnant women have to pee three times an hour? At one point, you finish going pee and by the time you get to the bathroom door you have to go again! Worse, the baby starts kicking and for the first few weeks it's a miracle of Nature; after that it's "I think I'm harbouring the next Judo Kickboxing Champ." You are so tired that, while you won't admit it to anyone, you privately think of the baby as "The Leech."
Oh and here's the sexy part, you're butt is now growing at the same rate as your belly, you get rashes under your arms and between your cheeks and if you are as stupid as I was you will be dying from heat rashes ~that you can't take any medication for because who's stupid idea was it to have a baby in September? That's it honey, from now on, no sex in January!!
You trade in your "four inch heels" for "four inch wide" shoes to accommodate the swelling.
When people describe you as a "Madonna" they are not talking about the one on MTV, see that big 'ol statue at the front of the church? They had to make that out of marble! Men who admit that a six month pregnant woman turns them on are considered pervs. And baby....there ain't nothing sexy about hemorrhoids.
The last trimester, that is one that really puts you over the edge. If someone offered to make you a thong bikini at that point? You would strangle them with it. "Sex??? That's what got me into this mess in the first place. I feel like an elephant, I think your son/daughter to be has just kicked a rib out and if you even think of touching me I swear I will tear your manhood off buddy. " were common rants in my pregnancy's.
You can keep yourself up when your pregnant but it's hard to shave your legs when you haven't seen them in six months.
A few weeks before the birth, during the "gain a pound a week" phase, there is no more wiggling, there is only the waddling.
There are thousands of written words about how you feel during the birth but 'horny' has never been included in any of them that I've read.
After the birth. See this is when they really crank up the propaganda machine to young mothers. First of all; the girls think "once the baby comes out at least my stomach will be a little smaller right away." Gotcha! It doesn't, you still have the swelling, the lumps and it takes time for the muscle and skin to recover and each baby takes longer and longer until the belly skin just gives up and lies there like a deflated balloon. Yes Virginia, you will have to wear your maternity clothes home from the hospital.
New mothers marvel, "Man my boobs are HUGE. Hubby's will sit enviously watching the child breastfeed. Then those sexy sisters start leaking on you and you have to wear loose shirts to cover the breastpad outlines and leak marks. After breastfeeding for two days you will have callus's on your nipples, after six months you will have teeth marks. Oh did I forget to tell you about the acne that erupts all over your chest?
Oh and don't just think you're nipples will be the only extra leaking going on. Post-natal menstrual bleeding can last up to six weeks. This is just Mother Natures way of making you pay up for the nine months you didn't have to buy tampons.
Wow isn't that sexy? I also think this is Mother Nature's way of making you think before you have another one.
No matter what, at this point you may not be considered a sexy woman but put that newborn little baby in your arms and you really won't give a damn how you look.
So back to sexy. You are now a new mother with a two or three month old baby. You don't have time to be sexy. You don't have time to sleep. You have bags under your eyes that are bigger than your old purse. (Not bigger than your new purse which is a diaper bag but close.) Get rid of them by cutting up extra cucumber when you make your toddlers snack or cold teabags or --if you really want them gone-- Preperation H. You will have a tube honey. I've always wondered why they don't put it in the Welcome Wagon baby basket.
You can't put on your makeup because you are so tired, you can't draw a straight line and how can you be sexy when you have baby puke dripping down your back? You won't have to turn down hubby for sex because even if you two do manage to run off to a small B & B for a romantic weekend while the Gramma's are looking after the baby, you still will have to haul out the breast pump every three hours and in all reality, five minutes after you check in you will both be asleep.
This is where the crux is. When you're kids are toddlers. This is where you will become the attractive, nice looking soccer mom or the Foxy Momma! The choices you make in the here and now will define you for the rest of your life.
You don't have wear tight clothes to be sexy. You just have to buy clothes that show off the best of your features. Any man will tell you that sometimes it's not what you see that gets them going, it's what they imagine they can see. Simply choosing a skirt over jeans, choosing a nice sweater over a sweatshirt, these choices lead to "classy sexy."
You can wear jeans --but not the type that give you camel toe for goodness sake-- when you find a pair of well fitting jeans that make your butt look like it spends it's days on a stairmaster--buy six pair.
Choose colours and patterns that hide stains well and keep an extra shirt in the car along with the baby wipes, spare tire or emergency road kit.
One other thing I've noticed on the clothes front, tailored clothes make a woman look much more together and sensual than cheap or loose clothes. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to do this or know how to design and sew your own clothes. Buy the best you can afford and get it fitted by a seamstress.
Choose colours that compliment you and don't be afraid to ask any woman in a store if this shirt is a good colour for you, (not the sales associates.) Most women cannot get out to go shopping with friends very often due to playdate conflicts but I've met many women who would be complimented by you asking their advice. They will stop and give you an answer. A lot of women enjoy giving advice to each other on clothes and anything else they can think of. Try to pick someone who's style you want to emulate.
This often leads to friendships or at least you got to talk to someone over three feet tall.
(But don't stop me because you will be in for a two hour makeover. I have a friend that is always afraid I'm going to whip out my eyelash curler and tweezers at lunch.)
Next go to the local make up counter and ask them to show you how to put on your daily make-up in seven minutes. Once an esthetician has given you her advice, find your local Avon lady. She will come to the house.
You say you can't afford seven minutes in the morning and that you haven't seen your bathroom since your daughter or son discovered their reflection?
No woman needs makeup to look sexy!!. She just needs to have good, moisturized skin, her eyebrows should suit her, she should curl her lashes with an eyelash curler so she won't need mascara, her teeth should be white. Choose a moisturizer with a tint or bronzer. Use the baby petroleum on your lips, heck use the baby's lotion on you. When you finish oiling up baby, rub the rest into your own skin.
Tanned women are considered sexy but not the leather looking ones, they look hard. You have an opportunity every day to keep your tan; take your kids outside. Be reasonable about it, skin cancer is never sexy but instead of sitting on the park bench and watching your kids there is a million opportunities for a workout when you take your kids outside. You can play the, "One more time please, just five minutes" game for your cardio. You can play, "Spin me around till I puke Mommy," game for your strength training. You can get all the yoga you need just getting the Lego out from under the couch.
Get yourself one of those bikes with a trailer and take them an extra mile or two. Both of you will be so happy and healthy and yes you will be tired and exhausted when you get home but the more you do, the more you can. Sooner or later you will have earned the right to wear lycra biking shorts and you will be hauling out your "skinny time of the month" jeans and you will be smoking!
(Smoking hot I mean, not smoking cigarettes because even though I smoke, even I have to agree that there is really isn't much sexy about smelling like an ashtray, yellow teeth and extra wrinkles.)
Now this is where young mothers need to take notes. Take time for yourself at least two hours a week! You can do it. Don't tell me you have no time for yourself. If you are married then you make a deal with Hubby. "If you put the kids to bed, take them out to the park etc...you will then have a happy, hot wife who feels sexy and may be more inclined to practice making new babies." Most men will agree in a shot!
(If Hubby comes back with, "What are you dressing up for? Who are you trying to impress? Either get him into therapy for his low self esteem or pack your bags that minute. Men who give their women a hard time about wanting to look good have major self-esteem issues and it never ends well. If he only asks once answer him honestly, "Me and you. Me so I will feel sexy and gorgeous and you because as a woman if I feel sexy, sex follows."
Here's another crux in the road. When you feel sexy and are comfortable with your body, you won't be afraid to tell Hubby all the places he should rub, massage or vibrate to get your motor going. You will enjoy the submarine race much more when you know your bikini line isn't at your knees. Speak up~! The man has seen you push something the size of a football out of a hole the size of a grape and he's still back for more! You put the work into making it look good, reap the reward!. A sexually satisfied woman is sexy!
If you are a single mom, you will have to break up the two hours into ten minute nightly intervals but honey you do have the time, whether you have the energy or not is another story.
You take ten minutes for a shower and shave, you take another ten to pluck your eyebrows, the next ten for conditioning or colouring your hair and spend the next hour and half just relaxing with a face mask, you do you your nails in front of the TV, you moisturize any part of your skin that you can reach. Better yet, get hubby to moisturize the parts you can't when he comes home.
You will have to get your selective blindness out for this. You will not see the piles of dishes or laundry, you will not notice the five milion toys on the living room floor that need to be picked up. You will see only the box under the bed where you keep your secret extra towels (because no one with kids can keep up with clean towels no matter how many you buy. I've bought enough towels in my lifetime to blanket Cuba and still, when I want to take a shower I find that the kids have used every towel in the house and they are all on the bedroom floors.)
In this box under the bed you will keep the expensive shampoo, the perfume, the bath bubbles, the make up. A locked fishing box is best because once your daughter turns twelve, kiss the make up goodbye.
There are tons of 'just got out of bed' sexy hair looks for women that don't take a lot of time or products to keep up. Find the best hairdresser you can afford and get a simple but attractive cut. Never get a bob. Many women are beautiful with a bob but let's face it, men like long hair. If you really do look better with short hair then great but never get shoulder length hair. That is the soccer mom badge.
The most important thing is for you to feel sexy at the end of it all. For you to look in the mirror and not see the stretch marks or the saggy boobs. In fact, never look in the mirror naked. Put on the sexiest underwear you have, always wear at least a one inch heel (Avoid the kitten heel, go for the jazz dance shoe heel, lots of support) or if you are a curvy girl, put on the "suck it in and up and put it where it will look good" girdle. Tilt the mirror so you look taller in the mirror. Like my Gramma always says, "I ain't overweight, I'm undertall."
Oh and if you are a generously curved woman, do not tell me you can't be sexy. You've got a few things that smaller woman don't usually have. Boobs!! If you get a good bra with good support and nice necklines, if you use the "suck the tummy fat into the cups" slimmers then you have a weapon in your arsenal that we "fried-egg" girls pay plastic surgeons thousands of dollars for. Believe you me, women who have a good upstanding set of girls never have men looking at their tummy rolls. Buy empire waist tops and sweaters. (Those are the ones with seams under the boobs.) Do NOT buy sweaters that have elastics at the bottom. Do not buy any top that is a-line. You want to have as many seams and darts on the bust as you can and not too much bulk on the waist. Wear a skirt if you can but if you must wear pants when you get to the weight where your thighs rub together; consider yoga pants instead of poly-stretchy. Lycra is for wearing under your clothes to keep things from falling out, rubbing together or jiggling.
Do not wear any pair of pants that have writing across the butt. Even Shakira and Jay Lo look like hookers with 'Hot Stuff' written across their butt. You are not a billboard.
Speaking of perfume; due to the fact that there are people out there with major allergies, please do not load on the perfume. Suffocating people to death is not sexy. Choose an oil that smells like food. I'm not kidding. I wear this vannila body oil from the Body Shop and men have stopped me in elevators to compliment me on it and ask what it is so they can buy it for their wives. Mind you, that's how I found out about it. My hubby was working with a girl who wore it and came home and told me, "Hilary smelled so good today. You should buy this perfume."
I'm not sure why but men are really attracted to food smelling women? My Gramma told me during the Depression the women would put a bit of vannila extract behind their ears instead of perfume. And here I've been buying $100.00/ounce stuff when I could just go to the kitchen. Go figure?
(Of course then I hit him for smelling other women and promptly went out and bought six bottles. If my redneck, mountain man is noticing perfume and asking about it???? )
The best thing you can wear to be sexy~ Confidence and a smile.
When you feel confident, you look sexy. It doesn't matter if there is peanut butter down your bra, if you weigh in with the small elephants, if you have fried eggs for boobs, if you believe: they will.
My hubby once told me that there was this moment when I was pregnant with my daughter that he still remembers thinking, "My God I won the lottery." We were at a wedding and I was wearing a dress that needed a slip. I only had a strapless slip. While the service was going I could feel it rolling down. I had two choices, I could get red and embarrassed and grab it through my dress and run for the bathroom to pull it up or I could let it slide down to the floor and kick it under the bench. There were a few people who couldn't get out of the pew until we moved so outwaiting everyone wasn't an option.
So that's what I did, I stood up, gave a wiggle, let it drop and kicked it under the pew. An older man was behind me and I was really worried he was going to pick it up and offer it back like a knight with a handkercheif but he just gave me a nod with a twinkle in his eye and a charming smile. I put my chin up, winked back and walked out of the church. Then sent Hubby back to get it.
Remember the picture of Princess Diana in the skirt? You can't tell me that she didn't look sexy. She is considered one of the classiest, sexy women of all time. Bet you she had peanut butter down her bra a time or two!
Now that is sexy!
PS when you and hubby are enjoying that well earned submarine race, get one of those doorbells with bells like they have in old fashioned stores for your door--an the early warning of kids about to enter the room.
PSS Since you take so much time and effort with how you look you can blackmail Hubby into making an effort on his part for you!
*(morning sickness is misnamed. I was sick every afternoon at three like clockwork.)
I don't know if you guys know this but this blog is made up of letters to my friends and Gramma. I found one from when the kids were little and with a little updating, nothing has actually changed. My daughter in law who is expecting in February will understand this one.
May 1994
I have always believed that if you feel sexy, other people will see you as sexy. I've seen 6' 2" women who weigh in close to a small rhinos be considered sexy because they feel they are, they know they are and they will let you know it too girlfriend!
If you really look at the sex symbols of history you will notice that some of them can in no way be described as a traditional beauty but they were the greatest sex symbols of their time. They didn't have to wear camel toe jeans or low cut tops. They didn't wear nine pounds of make up. They had class! Name a few? Mae West, Ethel Merman, Lily Langtry. These women could be called pretty, handsome or nice looking today but they were the Hot Mama's in their own time! What made them sex symbols is that they had no shame, they made an effort, they had class, had a sense of humour about how they looked but most of all, Because they made you believe it!!!!
I will complain about it but I have to admit it's a boost to my self esteem that even after three kids, my hubby still tells me I make his motor run. It's annoying sometimes and I often want to lend him out to my single friends so I can get some sleep but really, when I look around at the other mothers I see the challenges we have to face. It's a thin line between sexy and trashy. The mother wearing the mini-skirt, five inch heels and shirt cut down to her navel is not sexy.
(You are still not allowed not allowed to snub her or whisper with the other mothers about her because if you are going to that, then you are a Bi--h. If you haven't been in her bedroom while she's doing the football team, you have no right to call her anything. If it bugs you that much, make friends and then offer a makeover. I've gotten my best babysitters this way.)
I don't see very many women at the playground that would be considered "Foxes." Most of the moms are usually wearing sweats, running shoes, they have no make up on and they couldn't attract flies.
Then I see the mothers that you would consider "sexy." Not the kind that men consider sexy because they show skin, the classy sexy ones. They are wearing skirts, have perfect makeup, hair and nails and men are turning heads, opening doors and whistling. These are the women that are considered sexy.
Don't they know that Mother Nature herself is standing behind them, just waiting to pull down their butts and boobs and counting the ticks on the biological clock wrinkle bomb? Why do they seem know that the guy who just whistled is whistling at them?
Yeah they know all that stuff. They just don't care. That is part of their secret of being "sexy?"
They have the same amount of kids as I have and at the same age yet they look ten years younger and I wish I could say, "Because they have an au pair" but I look in the mirror and wail, "It's because I've given up." I just don't have time to fiddle around with nail polish and hairspray. I can't keep my clothes free of kid sticky, or baby barf.
How can I possibly feel sexy when there is peanut butter down my bra?
Once you become a mother, time inevitably takes it's toll and admit it, we get lazy. We figure we are moms and we don't need to be sexy anymore. It's a lot of work.
My friend told me about a guy who had a sex change. She met him/her a few months after at the grocery store, wearing sweats, no make up, hair in a bun. He sighed and told her, "Looking good is so much work!"
I have nightmares that I will end up being one of those woman who wear hair curlers to the store.
It all starts in pregnancy. How can a woman even imagine she looks Farrah Fawcett [or in today's world Megan Fox] in the first trimester when you've been throwing up all afternoon, * your hair is tied back with a rubber band to keep it out of the way when you puke and you may still be riding high on the news but in the back of your mind you're like, "Oh my God I'm going to be huge!"
Putting on makeup is just too much of a challenge in the morning and yes your skin has either decided to be the best it's ever been or, more commonly, you get acne all over again.
Then you get to the second trimester, where--- if this is your first child--- nothing is showing but you can't wait to wear those maternity clothes and if it's the end of your pregnancy or your second or third~ you can't wait to burn them.
Who came up with one piece jumpers as maternity wear? The label should say Marquis de Sade. Didn't this designer realize pregnant women have to pee three times an hour? At one point, you finish going pee and by the time you get to the bathroom door you have to go again! Worse, the baby starts kicking and for the first few weeks it's a miracle of Nature; after that it's "I think I'm harbouring the next Judo Kickboxing Champ." You are so tired that, while you won't admit it to anyone, you privately think of the baby as "The Leech."
Oh and here's the sexy part, you're butt is now growing at the same rate as your belly, you get rashes under your arms and between your cheeks and if you are as stupid as I was you will be dying from heat rashes ~that you can't take any medication for because who's stupid idea was it to have a baby in September? That's it honey, from now on, no sex in January!!
You trade in your "four inch heels" for "four inch wide" shoes to accommodate the swelling.
When people describe you as a "Madonna" they are not talking about the one on MTV, see that big 'ol statue at the front of the church? They had to make that out of marble! Men who admit that a six month pregnant woman turns them on are considered pervs. And baby....there ain't nothing sexy about hemorrhoids.
The last trimester, that is one that really puts you over the edge. If someone offered to make you a thong bikini at that point? You would strangle them with it. "Sex??? That's what got me into this mess in the first place. I feel like an elephant, I think your son/daughter to be has just kicked a rib out and if you even think of touching me I swear I will tear your manhood off buddy. " were common rants in my pregnancy's.
You can keep yourself up when your pregnant but it's hard to shave your legs when you haven't seen them in six months.
A few weeks before the birth, during the "gain a pound a week" phase, there is no more wiggling, there is only the waddling.
There are thousands of written words about how you feel during the birth but 'horny' has never been included in any of them that I've read.
After the birth. See this is when they really crank up the propaganda machine to young mothers. First of all; the girls think "once the baby comes out at least my stomach will be a little smaller right away." Gotcha! It doesn't, you still have the swelling, the lumps and it takes time for the muscle and skin to recover and each baby takes longer and longer until the belly skin just gives up and lies there like a deflated balloon. Yes Virginia, you will have to wear your maternity clothes home from the hospital.
New mothers marvel, "Man my boobs are HUGE. Hubby's will sit enviously watching the child breastfeed. Then those sexy sisters start leaking on you and you have to wear loose shirts to cover the breastpad outlines and leak marks. After breastfeeding for two days you will have callus's on your nipples, after six months you will have teeth marks. Oh did I forget to tell you about the acne that erupts all over your chest?
Oh and don't just think you're nipples will be the only extra leaking going on. Post-natal menstrual bleeding can last up to six weeks. This is just Mother Natures way of making you pay up for the nine months you didn't have to buy tampons.
Wow isn't that sexy? I also think this is Mother Nature's way of making you think before you have another one.
No matter what, at this point you may not be considered a sexy woman but put that newborn little baby in your arms and you really won't give a damn how you look.
So back to sexy. You are now a new mother with a two or three month old baby. You don't have time to be sexy. You don't have time to sleep. You have bags under your eyes that are bigger than your old purse. (Not bigger than your new purse which is a diaper bag but close.) Get rid of them by cutting up extra cucumber when you make your toddlers snack or cold teabags or --if you really want them gone-- Preperation H. You will have a tube honey. I've always wondered why they don't put it in the Welcome Wagon baby basket.
You can't put on your makeup because you are so tired, you can't draw a straight line and how can you be sexy when you have baby puke dripping down your back? You won't have to turn down hubby for sex because even if you two do manage to run off to a small B & B for a romantic weekend while the Gramma's are looking after the baby, you still will have to haul out the breast pump every three hours and in all reality, five minutes after you check in you will both be asleep.
This is where the crux is. When you're kids are toddlers. This is where you will become the attractive, nice looking soccer mom or the Foxy Momma! The choices you make in the here and now will define you for the rest of your life.
You don't have wear tight clothes to be sexy. You just have to buy clothes that show off the best of your features. Any man will tell you that sometimes it's not what you see that gets them going, it's what they imagine they can see. Simply choosing a skirt over jeans, choosing a nice sweater over a sweatshirt, these choices lead to "classy sexy."
You can wear jeans --but not the type that give you camel toe for goodness sake-- when you find a pair of well fitting jeans that make your butt look like it spends it's days on a stairmaster--buy six pair.
Choose colours and patterns that hide stains well and keep an extra shirt in the car along with the baby wipes, spare tire or emergency road kit.
One other thing I've noticed on the clothes front, tailored clothes make a woman look much more together and sensual than cheap or loose clothes. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to do this or know how to design and sew your own clothes. Buy the best you can afford and get it fitted by a seamstress.
Choose colours that compliment you and don't be afraid to ask any woman in a store if this shirt is a good colour for you, (not the sales associates.) Most women cannot get out to go shopping with friends very often due to playdate conflicts but I've met many women who would be complimented by you asking their advice. They will stop and give you an answer. A lot of women enjoy giving advice to each other on clothes and anything else they can think of. Try to pick someone who's style you want to emulate.
This often leads to friendships or at least you got to talk to someone over three feet tall.
(But don't stop me because you will be in for a two hour makeover. I have a friend that is always afraid I'm going to whip out my eyelash curler and tweezers at lunch.)
Next go to the local make up counter and ask them to show you how to put on your daily make-up in seven minutes. Once an esthetician has given you her advice, find your local Avon lady. She will come to the house.
You say you can't afford seven minutes in the morning and that you haven't seen your bathroom since your daughter or son discovered their reflection?
No woman needs makeup to look sexy!!. She just needs to have good, moisturized skin, her eyebrows should suit her, she should curl her lashes with an eyelash curler so she won't need mascara, her teeth should be white. Choose a moisturizer with a tint or bronzer. Use the baby petroleum on your lips, heck use the baby's lotion on you. When you finish oiling up baby, rub the rest into your own skin.
Tanned women are considered sexy but not the leather looking ones, they look hard. You have an opportunity every day to keep your tan; take your kids outside. Be reasonable about it, skin cancer is never sexy but instead of sitting on the park bench and watching your kids there is a million opportunities for a workout when you take your kids outside. You can play the, "One more time please, just five minutes" game for your cardio. You can play, "Spin me around till I puke Mommy," game for your strength training. You can get all the yoga you need just getting the Lego out from under the couch.
Get yourself one of those bikes with a trailer and take them an extra mile or two. Both of you will be so happy and healthy and yes you will be tired and exhausted when you get home but the more you do, the more you can. Sooner or later you will have earned the right to wear lycra biking shorts and you will be hauling out your "skinny time of the month" jeans and you will be smoking!
(Smoking hot I mean, not smoking cigarettes because even though I smoke, even I have to agree that there is really isn't much sexy about smelling like an ashtray, yellow teeth and extra wrinkles.)
Now this is where young mothers need to take notes. Take time for yourself at least two hours a week! You can do it. Don't tell me you have no time for yourself. If you are married then you make a deal with Hubby. "If you put the kids to bed, take them out to the park etc...you will then have a happy, hot wife who feels sexy and may be more inclined to practice making new babies." Most men will agree in a shot!
(If Hubby comes back with, "What are you dressing up for? Who are you trying to impress? Either get him into therapy for his low self esteem or pack your bags that minute. Men who give their women a hard time about wanting to look good have major self-esteem issues and it never ends well. If he only asks once answer him honestly, "Me and you. Me so I will feel sexy and gorgeous and you because as a woman if I feel sexy, sex follows."
Here's another crux in the road. When you feel sexy and are comfortable with your body, you won't be afraid to tell Hubby all the places he should rub, massage or vibrate to get your motor going. You will enjoy the submarine race much more when you know your bikini line isn't at your knees. Speak up~! The man has seen you push something the size of a football out of a hole the size of a grape and he's still back for more! You put the work into making it look good, reap the reward!. A sexually satisfied woman is sexy!
If you are a single mom, you will have to break up the two hours into ten minute nightly intervals but honey you do have the time, whether you have the energy or not is another story.
You take ten minutes for a shower and shave, you take another ten to pluck your eyebrows, the next ten for conditioning or colouring your hair and spend the next hour and half just relaxing with a face mask, you do you your nails in front of the TV, you moisturize any part of your skin that you can reach. Better yet, get hubby to moisturize the parts you can't when he comes home.
You will have to get your selective blindness out for this. You will not see the piles of dishes or laundry, you will not notice the five milion toys on the living room floor that need to be picked up. You will see only the box under the bed where you keep your secret extra towels (because no one with kids can keep up with clean towels no matter how many you buy. I've bought enough towels in my lifetime to blanket Cuba and still, when I want to take a shower I find that the kids have used every towel in the house and they are all on the bedroom floors.)
In this box under the bed you will keep the expensive shampoo, the perfume, the bath bubbles, the make up. A locked fishing box is best because once your daughter turns twelve, kiss the make up goodbye.
There are tons of 'just got out of bed' sexy hair looks for women that don't take a lot of time or products to keep up. Find the best hairdresser you can afford and get a simple but attractive cut. Never get a bob. Many women are beautiful with a bob but let's face it, men like long hair. If you really do look better with short hair then great but never get shoulder length hair. That is the soccer mom badge.
The most important thing is for you to feel sexy at the end of it all. For you to look in the mirror and not see the stretch marks or the saggy boobs. In fact, never look in the mirror naked. Put on the sexiest underwear you have, always wear at least a one inch heel (Avoid the kitten heel, go for the jazz dance shoe heel, lots of support) or if you are a curvy girl, put on the "suck it in and up and put it where it will look good" girdle. Tilt the mirror so you look taller in the mirror. Like my Gramma always says, "I ain't overweight, I'm undertall."
Oh and if you are a generously curved woman, do not tell me you can't be sexy. You've got a few things that smaller woman don't usually have. Boobs!! If you get a good bra with good support and nice necklines, if you use the "suck the tummy fat into the cups" slimmers then you have a weapon in your arsenal that we "fried-egg" girls pay plastic surgeons thousands of dollars for. Believe you me, women who have a good upstanding set of girls never have men looking at their tummy rolls. Buy empire waist tops and sweaters. (Those are the ones with seams under the boobs.) Do NOT buy sweaters that have elastics at the bottom. Do not buy any top that is a-line. You want to have as many seams and darts on the bust as you can and not too much bulk on the waist. Wear a skirt if you can but if you must wear pants when you get to the weight where your thighs rub together; consider yoga pants instead of poly-stretchy. Lycra is for wearing under your clothes to keep things from falling out, rubbing together or jiggling.
Do not wear any pair of pants that have writing across the butt. Even Shakira and Jay Lo look like hookers with 'Hot Stuff' written across their butt. You are not a billboard.
Speaking of perfume; due to the fact that there are people out there with major allergies, please do not load on the perfume. Suffocating people to death is not sexy. Choose an oil that smells like food. I'm not kidding. I wear this vannila body oil from the Body Shop and men have stopped me in elevators to compliment me on it and ask what it is so they can buy it for their wives. Mind you, that's how I found out about it. My hubby was working with a girl who wore it and came home and told me, "Hilary smelled so good today. You should buy this perfume."
I'm not sure why but men are really attracted to food smelling women? My Gramma told me during the Depression the women would put a bit of vannila extract behind their ears instead of perfume. And here I've been buying $100.00/ounce stuff when I could just go to the kitchen. Go figure?
(Of course then I hit him for smelling other women and promptly went out and bought six bottles. If my redneck, mountain man is noticing perfume and asking about it???? )
The best thing you can wear to be sexy~ Confidence and a smile.
When you feel confident, you look sexy. It doesn't matter if there is peanut butter down your bra, if you weigh in with the small elephants, if you have fried eggs for boobs, if you believe: they will.
My hubby once told me that there was this moment when I was pregnant with my daughter that he still remembers thinking, "My God I won the lottery." We were at a wedding and I was wearing a dress that needed a slip. I only had a strapless slip. While the service was going I could feel it rolling down. I had two choices, I could get red and embarrassed and grab it through my dress and run for the bathroom to pull it up or I could let it slide down to the floor and kick it under the bench. There were a few people who couldn't get out of the pew until we moved so outwaiting everyone wasn't an option.
So that's what I did, I stood up, gave a wiggle, let it drop and kicked it under the pew. An older man was behind me and I was really worried he was going to pick it up and offer it back like a knight with a handkercheif but he just gave me a nod with a twinkle in his eye and a charming smile. I put my chin up, winked back and walked out of the church. Then sent Hubby back to get it.
Remember the picture of Princess Diana in the skirt? You can't tell me that she didn't look sexy. She is considered one of the classiest, sexy women of all time. Bet you she had peanut butter down her bra a time or two!
Now that is sexy!
PS when you and hubby are enjoying that well earned submarine race, get one of those doorbells with bells like they have in old fashioned stores for your door--an the early warning of kids about to enter the room.
PSS Since you take so much time and effort with how you look you can blackmail Hubby into making an effort on his part for you!
*(morning sickness is misnamed. I was sick every afternoon at three like clockwork.)
Monday, December 06, 2010
On Being Christian
September 13
I know that people people think I'm critical of Judea-Christianity. In fact, I like the ideals behind it. The turn the other cheek, love one another as yourself idea. It's just that I'm such a radical feminist that the idea of blindly following a religion that tells me I can't just go straight to God with my issues and has been distilled through men's eyes, men's ears, men's writing, etc....leaves me with a jaundiced eye.
I know Catholics who use birth control, Jews who love BLT sandwiches and Muslims who think that kneeling five times a day to God is uncomfortable. I also know Fundamentalists, that have told me I'm doomed to Hell for eternity, Witness' who turn their backs on their children when the children need them most and Sunni who tell me that anyone who is not of their religion are just walking meat.
What I hate is hypocrisy.
Now and again, (more often than not lately) someone will come along that reminds me of the good in religion. Who takes their Faith and gives it their heart. This is portrayed in their actions, their words, their demeanour. The Mountain Man works with one such man.
His name is Henry (his name is changed to protect his identity) and he is ancient. Henry retired a few years ago but still works part-time. Since you are not allowed to read, listen to the radio or any other occupation that might break down your alertness, the trip in the back of the truck to Montreal is incredibly boring. So Henry teaches MM Dutch (swear)words, (drinking) songs and stories and he tells him about life under German occupation during WW11.
One story he told impressed my Mountain Man so much, he told it to me. I didn't get the perfect details but the core of the story is so scary and wonderful that I thought others would like it.
This is Henry's story.
When the Germans first invaded their village, Henry was very small. So small, in fact that his sister and he were able to hide under his mothers skirts. Apparently the habit for the Germans was to round up everyone in the village, take the men away to work camps and leave the women in the village. Most Dutch citizens took their last glimpse of husbands, lovers, sons and brothers during these frightening moments.
We've all seen the movies, we've had the heartbreak, we know the terror of these evil moments of history in black and white. I am very impressed with a mom who has the courage to stand up to soldiers with weapons and hide her children under her skirts. A woman who took a chance and hid her children in the face of her own death should she be discovered. If that wasn't enough, the end of the story really impressed me.
At the end of the war, the Germans were bugging out, fleeing from the Allied forces. There was one German soldier who had been kind to the woman and her children. He was a German but everyone knows that while an opposing army is evil as a whole, within it are regular people who are there against their will, to serve their country and to do their duty. They are also someone sons, brothers etc....
The German soldier approached Henry's mom and asked for some of Henry's fathers clothes. He hoped to slip out of Holland and into Germany under cover. She gave them to him, with food and water and her prayers.
What courage that must have taken!!! Should he be discovered by the villagers, she would have surely had to face a mob looking for retribution. At the very least, she could be condemned as a collaborator and shot. She was helping one of the very people who had held her and her country captive for years!!!!
Yet, she gave him the clothes. Why?
The answer to this is simple, according to Henry. She was a Christian. Vengeance is Gods.
So she let God sort them out.
It was the right thing to do and that's all that mattered. Could we make the same choice? I hope so but I'm such a bad tempered spirit when it comes to anyone who hurts what's mine, I honestly don't know. I do know that to this day, Henry worries that any Dutch who hears his story will think that his mother was a traitor. I don't and I don't know anyone who would. Don't want to know them.
You have to admire someone who puts what's right before themselves. To me that makes a hero, no matter what "side" they are on.
The German soldier never made it back to Germany. He was shot by the German's themselves when they discovered his ruse.
If that soldier had anything in his soul or had done anything to deserve vengeance, well then, God took it through his own people. Henry's mom however should get sparkly wings and a pink halo.
As for me, I couldn't help it. One of the first things I thought of when Doug told me the story was, "Didn't Dutch women wear shortened skirts in the early 30's?" There is a fashion point in every story.
Kimberley
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