Being the Perfect Mom

March 28

It's the middle of the night and I've finally got a minute to myself.   (Note:  My space bar is sticking so I apologize in advance for the run on words.)

My kids said something the other day that's been stewing in my mind.  Breyan said "Sarah is going to be a perfect mom."

That is so frightening.

Why?  Because it's just not possible and wanting to be the perfect mom is going to mean thousands of dollars in therapy for my granddaughters, which if Breyan doesn't get a job soon means I'll be paying for it.

So I got to thinking....what is the perfect mom and how can you be one?    I think you need to be a cartoon.

It might be possible but you would need the following things;

1.  You must have an only child.  No more than one because each child is different and needs different responses from you. No matter how hard you try you will always do something for one that upsets the other.  Not everyday but unless you suffer from  Multiple Personalities and your name is Sybll, you're out of luck. 

2.  A hand full of prescriptions.  You will get depressed at some point in your life.  Many points in fact.  There will be days where if the kids ask you one more time where their school bag is you will consider stapling it to their backs.   Which in any case is useless as they can lose their mittens before they get out the door.

3. An encyclopedic knowledge of everything.  You must have all the answers, good guesses only work until they are three and nowadays with Dora the Explorer explaining everything not even then.

4.  Zen lessons.  You will find the ability to take a deep breath and calm yourself is pretty well lost as they become teenagers and you spend all your time sighing or counting to ten.

5.  Carbs, chocolate and cheese are highly recommended.  You will need them as you walk the floor for eight hours holding a twelve pound colicky baby, run around the  schoolyard thirteen laps for the obligatory, "Aw Mum just one more..." argument or find yourself driving twenty miles into Quebec at 3am to pick up a kid that missed the bus home.

6.  Money, A lot of it and not for the expenses you're thinking of like food and a roof, those are budgetable.  It will be the five dollars for milk money request at 8:15 Monday morning, followed by the three dollars they need for the field trip you didn't know they were going on, the four dollars for the dollar store if you want to shop in peace and the ice cream guy will become your Pavlov when the sound of that cheery little bell either sets your mouth watering or makes your neck tense. 

7.  An ability to adapt to situations at a milliseconds notice, rivalling China's leading ping pong champion or more closely related-----the Marines.

8.  Theatrical skills;  One, so you can project well enough to call your kids for supper from two blocks down or over decibels of music that  are the leading cause of ear calluses. 

Two, when you realize your kids are now bigger than you and can laugh when you threaten to spank them or send them to their room.  Then you have to pull out your inner Yenta and learn to give a convincing performance of someone who's dying of a broken heart because their kids didn't learn to pick up their own underwear off the floor.  I could have had an Oscar for my "How did I fail that my own children would disgrace themselves by going out dressed as hoboes," of 2004 performance if I do say so myself. 

9.  A healthy constitution.  You are not allowed to get sick.  If you are a mother you will be expected to drag yourself from your deathbed  to find that form for school that needs to be signed this minute or they will miss the feild trip, that you will look all over the house for--- only to find it in a mushy, coke stained lump at the bottom of their school bag.

10.  Friends.  Nothing is so bad that a few friends can't help make right. Even if it's only that you can email them at two in the morning or you will make the morning headlines. 

Ain't I lucky.....I got them all.